Hopeless, Resentful, and Full of Regret
Marriage and intimate relationships can feel impossible sometimes. You’ve tried everything to fix the situation, but nothing changes. And the longer this pattern goes on, the more it feels like nothing ever will. The situation seems truly hopeless. But you’re stuck anyway… in a situation you’re absolutely sick of tolerating.
You might have said or done things that you regret. Cutting words. Even physical attacks. Your moments of rage stem from feeling unheard, uncared for, and humiliated. But that doesn’t make it okay to hurt the people you love. So in the aftermath of your worst mistakes, you’re struggling with the guilt, shame, broken trust… and even friends who take sides against you, or legal consequences.
Here’s what you might now realize though: Hidden beneath that rage is often a deep well of shame—the terrible feeling that says “I should be good enough for my family. But I’m a failure, no matter how hard I try.” For men, this feeling is unbearable. We will do literally anything to avoid it. And it’s even stronger when you were raised for flawless work, moral piety, and never letting people see you lose control. Finding yourself doing things that you swore you would never do, or that you outright condemned other people for, is truly devastating for your sense of self-worth.
So when you’ve tried everything—calm talks, compromise, pleading, pressure—and still nothing changes, your mind goes into survival mode: “If I can’t get through to her with words, then I’ll force her to understand. And if she still doesn’t get it, I’ll leave.”
It’s not that you want to hurt anyone. It’s that deep down, you feel desperate but powerless to fix the problem—and in that moment, rage feels like power. Especially as men, we want to be respected. We want to fix things. But when all our efforts fail, sometimes we resort to violent words and actions, or to run to another situation where we don’t feel like a failure.
But rage isn’t power. It’s pain disguised as righteousness. And running away doesn’t solve any problems. It just reinforces the feeling of weakness.
The Serenity Prayer
Lord, Give me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change,
The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Relationships are difficult sometimes. But you can also make them worse than they have to be. You compound the difficulty when you’re avoiding accountability, and focusing all the blame on your partner—when you have rigid expectations, take things personally, make assumptions about her intentions, and don’t control what you say. The source of feeling stuck and hopeless is trying to control what you can’t control—her decisions, perceptions, or choices… while neglecting to be honest and take responsibility for your own part of the equation. You’re trying to force a one-sided “solution” and prove you’re “right”, rather than seeking a deeper understanding based on mutual respect. And while hiding behind anger might help you avoid some of the shame that you can’t stand, it doesn’t make the situation better. It only makes it worse.
If you’re making struggling in these ways, making every mistake in the book, it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. Most likely, no one ever taught you the skills you need to navigate these situations any differently. You’ve been doing the best you can with the tools you have—even though it’s unfortunately backfiring. The pain you feel is a sign you need to slow down, ask new questions, learn better ways of doing things, and gather the courage to try new methods. So don’t let shame drive you to rage or retreat. Instead, learn the skills that will help you succeed and feel valued.
Just like the Serenity Prayer helps us focus on what we can control, the skills you need will also help you to focus on what you can control—how you interpret things, how you communicate, how you listen, and how you see yourself. By developing skills in these key areas, you are reclaiming your sovereignty over what is naturally in your hands. And by accepting the reality that relationships are challenging sometimes, your partner can make her own choices, and the past is unchangeable, you are accepting what you cannot control. In these ways, by focusing your efforts where they will actually be effective, and accepting your natural limitations, you transform your experience from hopelessness to tangible progress.
Interpret Things In a Helpful Way
When you have strong expectations about morality or gender roles, you might perceive any behavior that goes outside those boundaries as a failure, disrespect, or disloyalty. You become hard on yourself and others. The consequence is that you’re unable to talk about your feelings, or hold space for others to talk about theirs. Those repressed feelings get out of control, fights escalate, and ironically, expectations are broken, however noble they were.
It’s good to have clear morals. But you also need to accept the limitations of your capability to follow them, other people’s limitations, and be practical about the fact that growth is a gradual process. You also need a realistic plan to make that journey. An important part of that plan is having space for talking about thoughts and feelings, even when they’re not aligned with your values. It’s not about indulging every whim or acting out your wildest fantasies of revenge or self-indulgence. It’s about understanding the pain you’re struggling with, identifying your needs, and making healthy changes to take care of yourself and the people you care about. Your role as a man isn’t only to be noble and strong, but also to be caring—that’s what makes a true gentleman.
When your partner criticizes you, it can make you feel shocked and disturbed. You burn with thoughts about how ridiculous it was what she said, how unfair she’s being, and how wrong she is. You think about getting even by pointing out her faults or withholding what she wants. But this doesn’t help you find the closeness and trust you ultimately want.
Instead, take control of how you interpret what she says. When someone says they don’t like what you’re doing, they’re indirectly telling you what they do want. When they blame you for something, they’re indirectly telling you how they feel inside and what’s important to them. Instead of taking their words at face value, find the unstated positive—the positive possibility they do want or value. Assume a curious mood to understand what emotions are making them speak harshly and what unmet needs might be driving their dissatisfaction. You don’t have to give them everything they want, but it never hurts to at least understand what it is. By getting to the heart of the matter, you can find positive opportunities for reconciliation, rather than getting into another unproductive argument.
Speak honestly without attacking
“Discipline of speech consists in speaking words that are:
truthful, pleasing, beneficial,
and not agitating to others.”
- Bhagavad Gita
Resolving conflict seems impossible when you can’t speak honestly without the other person getting defensive. You might conclude they’re simply selfish, and that they’ve abandoned you in this relationship. This can happen. But you might also be contributing to their distance by speaking in a way that’s very difficult to stomach—with loaded language, personal insults, and one-sided narratives.
A lot of the frustration and stuckness you feel comes as a result of not knowing how to speak in a way that’s honest, but also kind and beneficial. This happens when you only focus attention on the details that make you right and the other person wrong… or worse, when you twist the facts to support that win/lose narrative. Politicians are experts at this art, but no marriage counselor will ever recommend it. Instead, you need to learn how to share your experience without assuming it’s the only way to see things, talk about your feelings without criticizing, and express your needs without demanding.
Start by making “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This helps you to share what you feel inside yourself, rather than voicing your interpretations of what the other person is doing to you.
For example, when you speak out of anger you might say: “I work so hard to provide for this family, and you can’t even make dinner? What exactly do you do all day? I can’t even get any basic respect. All I need is a decent meal after work tomorrow, and you can’t even do that. I’ve had enough. Keep this up and I’m divorcing you.”
Instead, you can say: “I’ve been feeling exhausted lately—working long hours, holding a lot of my feelings in to show up and do what needs to be done. So when I come home and there’s no food or plan, I feel alone. It’s not just about the meal—but also what it means to me personally. Maybe you don’t attach that same meaning to it, and for you, it’s more of a practical situation. But I just want to let you know how this feeling has been building up in me. I want to know how you see it. And I want to work this out in a way that works for both of us.”
The key is to have a conversation that recognizes that you both have your own perspectives and experiences. Then you can open a dialogue that can actually go somewhere, rather than getting frustrated with fights that assume only one person can be right while the other must be wrong. It might be uncomfortable to talk about your feelings at first, but this invites your partner to understand you rather than defend themselves—and that opens the door for real connection. Certainly, that’s better than the pain you’ve been going through with endless, unproductive arguments, and uncontrolled outbursts of anger.
Listen to Understand, even when you don’t agree
Communication is challenging because we naturally focus on different things, interpret things in different ways, have different feelings about the same event, and what we want in the end is often different. Fights go nowhere when each person is entrenched in their own perspective, unwilling to even acknowledge the other person’s point of view. It’s like each person is moving farther away from common ground, and becoming more and more committed to a position that is adversarial by nature. I call this problem the ladder of misunderstanding.
Conflicts can only be resolved when you find some common ground. The first step down the ladder of misunderstanding, and towards common ground, is to ask thoughtful questions that invite a sincere conversation. Of course, your partner won’t always express themselves with honesty, kindness, and consideration. But that doesn’t mean you can’t guide the conversation in that direction anyway. For example, on a bad day she might say:
“I went out of my way to make dinner after a long, stressful day. I told you to be home by 5 for it. But you were late again, and I know why. You don’t want dinner. You just want to make demands for the sake of your huge ego, humiliate me, and waste my time. In fact, you never make time for your family. All you care about is work. Work! Work! Work! Work! But I’m sick of it. So either come home tomorrow by 5pm or I’m never making dinner for you again.”
Instead of reacting to the literal content of a message like, it’s always good to pause and reclaim your composure before responding. You can even excuse yourself for a few minutes, journal, or talk with a friend. But when you’re ready, respond with a question or observation.
Observation: It sounds like you’re stressed and fed up. It would mean a lot to you if I came home earlier. You want me to at least show up when I ask for something that you have to go out of your way to do.
Question: How does it make you feel when I make requests but don’t show up when you reciprocate?
These kinds of responses invite the other person to shift into talking about the feelings inside theirs hearts, rather than doubling down on judgements and accusations about you. Even if it’s still about your behavior, at least that’s different from being about you as a person.
The key is to make your observations neutral and your questions sincere. Simply repeat what you understand, state the facts, and show them you understand how they see it. You don’t have to agree, you just have to understand. So don’t load your responses with your sarcasm and insinuations. Otherwise, your questions are only passive-aggressive attacks, not invitations for connection.
The last step is to listen—not to correct, not to defend, not to win—but to truly understand. It’s rarely just about the missed dinner or the words that were said. There are usually feelings—like hurt, exhaustion, or loneliness—that are driving those words. And those feelings are more important than the words, even if at some point you need to draw a boundary about how she expresses those feelings. And behind those feelings are unmet needs, like appreciation, support, or reassurance. Instead of matching blame with blame and escalation with escalation, try to discover the deeper message by asking sincere questions, giving the other person room to speak, and demonstrating that you’re listening. Even if you don’t agree with their story, you can still connect to their emotions. That’s what cools conflict. That’s what creates trust. And that’s how you climb down the ladder of misunderstanding—one humble, human step at a time.
Develop integrity and self-respect
So what now? What does it actually look like to move forward with dignity?
Real self-respect doesn’t come from being nice, capitulating to every demand, or letting her punish you endlessly. It comes from acting with clarity and courage—even when you’re hurting. Especially when you’re hurting.
If you’ve made mistakes, don’t try to buy back love by being overly nice, apologetic, or agreeable—just so she’ll stop being mad, take you back, or say you’re a good person again. That’s not integrity. That’s unconscious manipulation hidden behind a smile.
But don’t swing to the other extreme either—wallowing in guilt or self-pity when your attempts to fix things don’t work. Feeling sorry for yourself is still self-centered. It keeps the focus on your pain, not the path of personal development in front of you.
Integrity means acting from your values—not from your pain or resentment. Even if you were ignored, insulted, and your pain was real, someone needs to break the cycle of violence. Let your behavior be guided by the man you want to become, not the boy who didn’t know what else to do. That includes taking responsibility. If you hurt someone, do what you can to make it right. But don’t hate yourself or let anyone caste you as permanently bad. Instead, put your mistakes in context: you weren’t trying to destroy love. You didn’t have better tools. You were running from pain. You panicked. You fell short. But everyone makes mistakes. You are not your mistakes. And being kind towards yourself will help you to learn and become a better man.
Make a sincere apology, expressing what you did that you believe was wrong. And then focus on the positive values you want to fulfill moving forward. The best apology starts with words, but also blossoms into different choices. A more honest conversation. A cooler head. A cleaner boundary. Consistent action. That’s how you earn back your own respect—and maybe theirs too. Not by pleasing. Not by punishing yourself. But by hopeful sincerity: “I know how to do better now. And I will. That’s what counts.”
It’s Not a Punishment to Grow
You might think it’s unfair that you have to make all the changes, while your partner can continue with her own faults and mistakes. But what makes you think it’s a punishment to grow as a person? The bottom line is that you’ve been suffering until now—to some extent unnecessarily—and you don’t want to suffer unnecessarily anymore. So instead of feeling hopeless because you’re entrenched in blame and resentment, take control of the situation from your side of the equation. Lead by example, and build trust, goodwill, and reciprocity with your partner. This maximizes the chances that your partner will also do her part, and accept your invitations for a new kind of conversation. But whatever happens, you’ll be okay. At the end of the day, what matters is becoming the man you admire.
My wife and me
Thanks for reading!
What you’re going through is a common experience, but it’s hard to navigate when you’re not familiar with cognitive distancing, emotional appraisal theories, empathic listening, or other important modalities described in this article. But what you got from this article is just a sample of what I can give you, after years of study in Hellenistic philosophy, Nonviolent Communication, and mindfulness traditions.
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