How Do I Find the Right Coach or Counselor?
A Survival Guide
By Damodar Roe
Hey, My name is Damodar.
I’m a writer, former monk, and certified coach since 2015. But enough about me.
The purpose of this survival guide is to help you find a counselor who doesn’t just waste your time, but actually delivers the results you need.
Whether you’ve tried before and feel discouraged, or this is your first time seeking support, this guide will walk you through what you need to know, what to avoid, and how to know if someone’s the right fit for you.
Why Is It So Important to Find the Right Support?
Finding the right counselor can be as confusing as the problem that made you seek one in the first place.
It’s already hard enough to open up about sensitive topics. But when you don’t even know if they can help you, it feels unsafe. You don’t want to have to start all over if it doesn’t work out. And you don’t want to get stuck with the wrong counselor either.
I’ve experienced this myself. I know what it’s like to come home from an emotionally intense seminar, wishing they had someone to help me process the experience. I’ve opened up with coaches who were amazing listeners, but didn’t know how to transition into guiding me. I’ve heard surprisingly bad advice that people got from a therapist.
But I’ve also gotten fantastic support. Someone who listens, understands my psychology, and gives me thoughtful guidance. Someone who’s been in my shoes before and mastered the next 40,000 steps. Someone who knows how to challenge me while boosting my confidence.
The truth is: not all support was created equal. That’s why it’s you need to know what you’re getting yourself into before you invest in any kind of personal support system. No one is the perfect coach or counselor for everyone. But there is someone out there who gets what you’re going through, and knows how to guide you from where you are to where you want to be. The question is: how do you find them? Because the stakes are high.
If you find the right match:
You get the help you need.
You make breakthroughs you didn’t think were possible.
And your life moves in a direction that finally feels aligned with who you really are.
If you find the wrong match:
You open up about all your secrets, only to be let down.
You start to believe that help doesn’t work.
And worst of all, you remain stuck in cycles of shame, resentment, confusion, addiction, or emotional burnout.
What to Look for and What to Avoid
❌ 5 things to avoid
Scams and con artists
Some programs promise life-changing results but never explain how. They create urgency to get you to pay quickly—often a lot—before you’ve even had a real conversation. Then they vanish, underdeliver, or worse: recruit you to sell the same false hope to others just to make your money back.
Gossipers who violate your trust
If someone shares things you told them in confidence, they’re not just careless—they’re unsafe. Trust is the foundation of healing, and anyone who breaks it puts your vulnerability at risk.
Self-serving control freaks
Some people use what you share to steer you toward decisions that benefit them, not you. They put their needs in the center, push their opinions, and subtly guilt you into what they want you to do. When the space stops being about your growth and starts revolving around their agenda, it's no longer support—it’s manipulation.
Critics who don’t care
These are the people who shame you for your problems but give you no tools to overcome them. Harsh words without compassion or guidance don’t build strength—they create more shame, confusion, and paralysis.
Clueless “helpers”
If the coach or therapist can’t explain what their role is, what sessions look like, or how confidentiality works, that’s a sign of poor structure. Be wary of people who invent systems with fancy names but no track record. If someone seems to making things up as they go, or trying to get you to work on issues they’re struggling with in their personal life—it’s not a method, it’s just a mess.
Bonus tip:
Even when you’re dealing with professionals, take their advice with a grain of salt when it’s given too quickly. Offering solutions before understanding your situation means they’re following a generic script, or projecting their own problems onto you. You can easily get advice and information from books and videos. But a good counselor should be able to give you new insights about yourself. And this is only possible after listening.
✅ 5 Things to Look For
A clear privacy policy
You should never have to wonder whether what you share will be kept confidential. Look for someone who takes your trust seriously and explains exactly how your privacy is protected.
Real experience and expertise
Credentials matter—but so does lived understanding. Choose someone who knows what they’re doing, can explain how their approach works, and has helped others with struggles like yours.
They get you
You don’t need someone who just nods along. You need someone who listens deeply, understands where you’re coming from, and helps you feel seen—even when things are messy or hard to explain.
They care
This isn’t just a business transaction. You should feel that they’re invested in your growth, not just going through the motions or applying a generic formula.
You can afford them
Support shouldn’t break you financially. Whether it’s a payment plan, sliding scale, or upfront clarity about costs, you need to know that getting help won’t make things harder.
Bonus tip:
Even though counselors are supposed to be neutral, every therapeutic tradition is based on certain assumptions. Individual coaches and counselors also carry limitations and biases that can affect their work. That’s why it’s important to ask questions, trust your gut, and notice how you feel in their presence. The best fit isn’t just about credentials—it’s about connection, safety, and shared values.
“People will forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”
3 Steps to Find the Right Coach or Counselor
Now that you know what to look for and what to avoid, here are the 3 steps to find the right coach or counselor.
Step 1: Clarify what you’re looking for
The following are the questions you want to ask yourself when you’re considering finding a coach or counselor.
“What would I like to be different in my life?”
Sometimes there’s a pain you want to address or a problem you want to solve. But it an also be something positive you want to achieve.
“Can I figure this out by applying what I learn in books and videos?”
You might decide to try to work through it on your own—and that’s a valid option, as long as you have the right resources, time for study, and a willingness to learn through trial and error. But if you want faster or more effective results, you can consult an expert who’s already helped others walk the path you’re on.
“Am I ready to take a deeper look at this?”
Lasting change often means getting out of your comfort zone. You might need to face fears you’ve avoided or open up in ways that feel vulnerable. But when you realize the cost of staying stuck is greater than the discomfort of growth, you’re ready for a courageous and life-changing process.
Step 2: Identify which type of help would best suit you
There isn’t one single kind of therapy or coaching that works best for everyone. But there are most likely a handful of approaches that will work for you. In fact, the right provider might even offer a personalized blend of methods tailored to your needs.
But before you can make a confident choice, you need to understand your options and narrow them down. That way, you can find the kind of support that actually fits your goals—and save yourself time, energy, and frustration along the way.
Group vs. Individual
Group support gives you the chance to connect with others facing similar struggles. It can be validating, encouraging, and cost-effective—but it’s less personalized.
Individual support gives you focused attention and a space tailored to your unique needs. It’s ideal if you want to go deeper or work on something private or complex.
Short-Term vs. Long-Term
Short-term support focuses on specific problems or goals. It’s solution-oriented and often more structured.
Long-term support helps you explore deeper emotional patterns, beliefs, or traumas that take time to fully understand and heal.
Specialist vs. Generalist
Specialists focus on one area—like trauma, relationships, or ADHD. They’re helpful when you need targeted expertise.
Generalists help with a wide range of issues and are useful if you’re still figuring out what the root problem is or want a more holistic approach.
Therapist vs. Coach
Therapists are trained to work with emotional disorders, trauma, and mental health. Therapy often looks backward to heal what’s unresolved.
Coaches are more future-focused. They help you set goals, build habits, and move forward with structure and accountability.
Established Therapeutic Traditions
The following are a few legitimate, research-backed therapy approaches. A good coach or therapist may specialize in one of these—or draw from several to create a personalized approach that works for you.
Rationality-Based Approaches
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy
These focus on challenging unhelpful beliefs and learning practical tools to manage emotions, change behavior, and build healthier habits. They’re goal-oriented and often used to treat anxiety, depression, and emotional regulation issues.Values-Based Approaches
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Positive Psychology
These help you make peace with difficult thoughts and feelings—not by avoiding them, but by learning to focus on what matters most to you. The goal is to build a meaningful life aligned with your core values.Compassion-Based Approaches
Compassion-Focused Therapy
These emphasize healing through self-acceptance, emotional attunement, and empathy. They may be blended into trauma work or mindfulness, helping you shift from self-criticism to inner support.
Communication & Relationship-Based
Nonviolent Communication, Marriage & Family Counseling
These focus on improving how you express your needs, handle conflict, and relate to others. They’re especially useful for navigating relationship challenges or family dynamics.Mindfulness-Based Approaches
Often rooted in meditation, breathwork, or Eastern traditions, these help you slow down, observe your internal world with curiosity, and find calm in the present moment.
Body-Based Approaches
EMDR, NLP, Neurofeedback, Somatic Therapy
These focus on the connection between mind and body—especially how trauma is stored physically. They help you process experiences not just through thinking, but through movement, sensation, and nervous system regulation.Trauma-Based Approaches
IFS (Internal Family Systems), Psychoanalysis
These help you understand the deeper emotional layers of your personality, often working with inner “parts” or unconscious patterns. They’re designed to heal the root causes of pain, not just manage symptoms.Spirituality-Based Approaches
12-Step Programs, Pastoral counseling, Existential Therapy
These support healing through surrender, finding meaning, and connecting to something greater than yourself. Especially helpful if you’re facing addiction, existential questions, or spiritual confusion.
Step 3: Find someone who offers what You Need
Once you’ve clarified what you’re looking for and what kind of support fits you best, it’s time to take the next step: reach out to someone who offers it.
The best way to start?
Ask someone you trust already.
Personal referrals go a long way. Maybe you have a friend who’s worked with someone they really connected with. Even if that exact provider isn’t the right fit for you, they might know someone who is. Sometimes the most reliable path to finding someone good is:
“a friend of a friend who had a great experience.”
Am I the right fit for you?
I’m a coach who blends established therapeutic modalities with practical, forward-moving support. That means we’ll focus not just on understanding your struggles, but also on building habits, skills, and emotional resilience that lead to real change.
I mostly work with men who want long-term, individualized support. While I can help with a variety of issues and goals, I specialize in helping men who struggle with:
Shame
Perfectionism
Resentment
Addiction
Anxiety
Looking for other options?
You can also explore reputable directories, websites, and platforms—but be sure to apply what you’ve learned so far. Don’t just pick based on credentials or buzzwords. Choose someone who actually matches your needs and makes you feel safe, seen, and respected.