It’s so uncomfortable being surrounded by a new group of people when you don’t know how to connect. You don’t even know where to stand without feeling like you’re out of place. You scan the room looking for an opening, a familiar face, some kind of signal that it’s okay to join in—but nothing comes. Your mind races—What should I say? What should I do? What will they think? Before you can figure out the answers, the moment passes and it’s too late.
We all feel that way sometimes. It’s not that we don’t want to have fun interactions. It’s not that we don’t want to find close friends and a special somebody. It’s just that sometimes, it’s hard to figure out the unwritten rules of an unfamiliar place or person.
People want to be Heard
You might be thinking you have to impress people, and be the loudest, funniest, or smartest person in the room. It might seem that way when you study the people who dominate social circles. But what if you could truly connect without all that pressure to perform? Not by trying to be someone you’re not, but by understanding how connection really works—and how to start creating it in everyday moments.
People want to be heard. They want to talk about what matters to them—their interests, their experiences, the things that make up their world. You don’t have to tell the perfect joke or the best story. You don’t have to read their minds to figure out exactly what they want you to say. You don’t even have to be an extrovert. All you have to do is make space for others to share what they care about. When someone talks about their passions and their challenges, they’re welcoming you to connect with them.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
The best way to discover people’s interests is by asking open-ended questions. Here’s how:
Start with a simple greeting
Say “hi.” Ask their name. Write it down afterwards in case you forget.Ask open-ended questions to learn about the world they live in
Close-ended questions have one or two possible answers—like asking “Where are you from?” The answer is only a few words or less. They’re fine to get started, but too many in a row can start to feel like you’re trying to get specific information out of them that you want.Open-ended questions introduce a topic while leaving room for the other person to decide how they want to respond. For example: “What is your favorite movie?” This helps them feel like you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say, rather than digging for information.
Try questions like: “What keeps you busy these days?” “How do you like to spend your time?” “What’s something you’ve been into lately?” These kinds of prompts help you place them in a context—whether that’s their work, studies, hobbies, or routines. You’re beginning to understand what kind of “world” they live in and what they care about. This will give you lots of potential avenues for the conversation.
Ask Curious Follow-Ups
Once you get a sense of what they’re into, ask open-ended follow-up questions to learn more. This will deepen the conversation into a specific topic. You don’t even have to know anything about the topic. You just have to be curious. It’s okay to make mistakes or not know the answers. After all, you’re either learning something new, or at least you’re learning about someone else’s unique perspective on it. Ask follow-up questions, and if one question doesn’t land, try another.
Be a Good Listener
Every time you talk with someone, there are really two conversations happening simultaneously:
The one between you and them
The one between you and your mind
Real connection begins when focus mainly on the interaction you’re having, rather than getting swept away by thoughts that aren’t connected. That might sound simple—but it’s actually a practice because your mind will automatically jump in with:
Memories of similar experiences you’ve had
Opinions or judgments
Worries about how you’re coming across
That’s normal. Our brains are always trying to relate things back to ourselves. But when you immediately share those thoughts, you pull the attention away from them and make it about you. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But until you get to know them, you don’t know whether what you have to share will be relevant to them or not. Even if what you say is kind or enthusiastic, it can interrupt the thread they were following. Instead, let your curiosity follow their lead. Ask yourself:
What are they focused on?
What is important to them?
What are the feelings behind what they’re saying?
Connection starts by listening. So put your phone down. Make relaxed eye contact. Ask simple, open questions. Be a little more quiet and follow their train of thought just a little longer than feels automatic. You’ll be surprised how much more people share when they have the space, and your responses will be more natural when you’re not rushing to insert your first thoughts. Your goal isn’t to impress, fix, or perform. Your goal is listening to understand.
Demonstrate Understanding
Even when you’re silently listening, people don’t know whether you’re actually present with them—or distracted by something else and absorbed in your own thoughts. It often takes conscious effort to not drift into your own perspective, because that’s the natural tendency. You automatically want to jump in with:
Your perspective and experiences. Someone tells you about their day at the beach, and it reminds you of a time you were at the same place. You want to share your memory, maybe even to relate or be helpful. But you have different experiences and associations with the same place. So while you’re thinking about what the beach means to you, you’re missing what the same place means to them. Instead, stay curious about what their experience of the beach was like and what it meant to them. Follow their train of thought, not yours.
Your thoughts and feelings. When someone shares a belief that clashes with yours—like saying they don’t think college is a “waste of money”—you might immediately think, “But education is important”, or “They’re wrong.” But no one holds an opinion unless they think it’s right. So first try to understand why they believe what they do. What are their values? What life experiences shaped their perspective? Even if you want to persuade them later, you’ll be more effective by first understanding their beliefs, values, and experiences.
Your wishes and desires: You may wish they’d make different choices, or handle things the way you would. Sometimes you want to give advice, steer the conversation, or just make the problem go away. Instead, listen for what they want in the situation. What outcome are they hoping for? What are they unsure about? What matters to them? You can even help them explore potential strategies that would help them get what they want. Otherwise, a person convinced against their will is of the same opinion still.
There is a time for reasoning and sharing your wisdom. But to really connect with someone, make sure you first demonstrate a deep understanding of their experience before telling them about your own. You will always be partly guessing when you’re trying to understand another person’s experiences. So there’s no fault on your part if they correct you. The important thing is to show your intention and effort to understand. You can do this by making simple statements that focus on their world:
Their perspective and experiences: Tell them what you’ve understood about how they see things. For example: “Sounds like you’ve been dealing with that for longer than you hoped.”
Their thoughts and feelings: Tell them what you’ve understood about their opinions, beliefs, and feelings. For example: “That must’ve felt like a huge weight. You were probably wondering what was going on.”
Their wishes and desires: Tell them what you’ve understood about what they want and don’t want. For example: “It seems like you were hoping that would turn out differently.”
You don’t have to agree with everything someone says to understand it. You also don’t have to do whatever they want you to do. In fact, you care pair deep empathy with firm assertiveness when the situation calls for it. But when you take the time to understand why they feel the way you do, you form a deeper connection. You can use this deeper understanding to relate and make friends, negotiate towards a better win-win outcome, or lowering defenses when people are resistant to important conversations.
Ask About Experiences, Feelings, Values
You’ve learned about their world and how they feel about it—now it’s time to learn more directly about them, and why they feel the way they do. When people talk about their preferences, frustrations, or opinions, they’re often giving you a chance to see something deeper. People don’t always communicate everything they think and feel with their words. Beneath the surface of “I hated that class” or “My father is visiting next week” are emotions, memories, and values waiting to be uncovered.
Even though the same thing might happen to many people, they won’t all feel the same way about it. The way someone feels about something doesn’t only tell you about the situation, it also tells you about what’s important to them, and what they think is good and bad. One person might be unhappy with anything less than an A because they want to please their parents, while another person is happy because they want to rebel. You can discover what makes a person tick by moving from facts to feelings, and then from feelings to values. Here’s how to do it:
Acknowledge the facts about what happened. Start by showing you’re listening. Reflect the basic situation or experience they’ve just described.
Clarify how they feel about it. Don’t assume they feel the same way that you would. People often share what happened without ever saying how it felt. By gently inviting their emotional perspective, you’re shifting the conversation from external events to internal experience.
Ask them what makes them feel that way. Once someone shares a feeling, don’t stop there—get curious. Ask why it matters to them. You’re not analyzing them; you’re just wondering what’s behind their emotional reaction. Sometimes a feeling comes from a past experience. Sometimes it points to a personal need or something they really care about.
Acknowledge the positive value behind their feelings. Once they tell you what’s behind the feeling, try to notice the positive thing they’re protecting or wanting. People often feel upset or hurt because something important to them was missing or threatened. For example, if a person didn’t like a particular teacher, they must have some idea of what they would want instead. So if they tell you something negative about what they don’t want, try flipping it into something positive that they would want.
These kinds of questions don’t just make conversation better—they create real intimacy. They help someone feel seen for who they are, not just what they do. And they often lead to moments where people say things like: “I’ve never thought about it like that before.” Or, “No one’s ever asked me that.” You’re giving them space to connect with themselves as much as with you. That’s rare—and deeply meaningful. In fact, they will remember you for it.
Share About Yourself
After listening and understanding someone’s experience, sharing about yourself is a natural next step. But the goal isn’t just to talk about you—it’s to deepen connection by relating your story or perspective to theirs in a way that feels meaningful.
Find common ground: “I’ve felt that way too when…”
Share a contrast: “That’s interesting—I had a very different experience where…”
Offer something relatable or curious: “That reminds me of something I’m into…”
Once you share something about yourself, pay attention to how the other person responds. If they ask you questions about what you said, that’s a great sign—they’re interested and want to hear more. In that case, it’s natural to continue sharing and deepen the connection.
But if they don’t follow up on your share, it’s your turn to keep the conversation moving. You can do this by asking another open-ended question related to what you just shared or back to their experience. This keeps the dialogue balanced and shows that you’re curious about their thoughts and feelings, not just focused on yourself.
An Abundance of Opportunities
Even if you follow these principles, there’s no guarantee that every conversation will flow perfectly or lead to a lasting connection. That’s okay. Make it a habit anyway. There are plenty of people and countless opportunities to practice—and with each interaction, you get a little better. Like any skill, connection improves with time, patience, and curiosity. Over time, you’ll find yourself naturally building more friendships and fun interactions.
People don’t need to be impressed. They just want to be heard and understood about the things they care about. So ask thoughtful questions, listen deeply, and share your story in a way that invite others in. When you’re proactive in giving others what we all want, many will want to reciprocate, and you’ll find an abundance of opportunities to truly connect.