Waiting for an Explanation After Heartbreak
3 Steps to Find Closure After Heartbreak
By Damodar Roe
Waiting for an apology can feel like you’re drowning. Drowning in the raw ache of being discarded, while the one person who can actually throw you a lifeline casually walks away. You can’t understand it. You can’t accept it. You don’t know if this is actually real, and the uncertainty is killing you. It’s like suffocating. All you can think about is how to reconnect, how to finally catch your breath. So you call. You text. You try to corner them somehow, hoping for at least an explanation.
Maybe they respond, maybe they don’t. But something’s changed, and you can feel it in your bones. The warmth they used to have is gone. In its place is a hollow politeness, a distance too sharp to ignore. You try to clarify what happened, but they just change the topic, talk around it, or flat out deny the truth. Until the politeness begins to fade. The messages get shorter, the tone colder. It’s like your deepest feelings are just a burden, and you’ve gone from feeling chosen to feeling like an embarrassment they’re trying to erase from history.
You try to move on. Friends tell you to just let it go. But something inside you still feels… unsettled, hurt, broken. After all, you gave your heart to this person. And what did they do? They stomped on it, threw it away, and walked off like it never meant anything. You didn’t just lose them—you lost the connection you trusted, the future you pictured, the version of yourself that felt valued in their presence. How are you supposed to “forget” that? You wish you had the luxury to forgive, forget, and move on. But that kind of peace feels overly idealistic when the wound is still wide open.
You keep hoping this isn’t real. That it’s just a misunderstanding. Some twisted test of how much you care. You tell yourself maybe they’re just confused, scared, overwhelmed—anything but disenchanted. Maybe you can fix it. Maybe they just need time. Maybe they’re waiting for the right moment to reach out, to say they’re sorry, to admit they were wrong and they still want this. Maybe they’ll realize what you had was real.
But the longer the silence stretches, the more that hope starts to rot. You’re tired of being blindsided by someone who once promised they cared. You don’t deserve to be ignored until you start questioning your own sanity. You don’t deserve to be denied even the decency of a final conversation. So the heart ache turns bitter. What was once love starts to calcify into something more protective—something that says, “If you can’t see the truth of what we’re meant to share, then I’ll be the one to hold onto the sacred memories we have together that prove it. And if you still don’t care, then maybe I’ll make you feel my pain. I’ll make you hurt, too.” You might imagine calling them out, exposing the truth, making them finally feel the weight of what they did.
You start pulling apart every memory, going through every detail of every interaction. What happened exactly? What did it mean? Why did they do that? The more you analyze it, there are moments when you start questioning yourself. Did you do something wrong? Were you just not good enough? Despite so much investigation, you only feel more torn and tangled. Because deep down, you’re not just trying to understand what happened. You’re trying to understand what it says about you. Are you just too much? Or not enough? Does this mean you’ll always be rejected once someone gets to know you? Somehow, no amount of thought gives you the resolution you’re seeking, but the hope to find it keeps you going—hoping their actions will finally explain who you were to them… and who that makes you now.
One day you feel furious and you want them to hurt the way you’re hurting. But the next day, all you want is for them to call, to say it was all a mistake, and just fix it! You find yourself rehearsing both speeches—the angry one that ends everything, and the soft one that might bring them back. But you can’t stay on either side for very long. You bounce back and forth so fast, it makes you dizzy! And beneath it all is this gnawing, constant need to find something solid. Because what you’re really craving isn’t only justice or a second chance. It’s peace. It’s certainty. It’s finally knowing you’re safe again and good enough.
Success Story
When Alex came to me, she was heartbroken and unraveling. The man she loved had changed almost overnight. One day he was warm and promising a future. The next, he was cold, vague, and avoidant. She was spiraling, re-reading messages, and replaying everything in her mind to figure out what went wrong.
In one of our early sessions, I asked her a simple question:
“What would you actually need from him to feel peaceful again?”
She hesitated to answer. An apology? A second chance? Validation? She wasn’t really sure.
From there, the work shifted. We stopped focusing on him and started focusing on her:
What boundaries had she ignored to stay in that relationship?
What kind of connection did she actually want?
Was she confusing intensity with intimacy?
She began journaling every time she felt the urge to reach out to him, and we used those entries to trace the deeper emotional needs beneath her behaviors. Instead of trying to prove she was worth loving, she started asking, “Does this relationship even match the future I want?”
Eventually, she stopped chasing clarity from someone who couldn’t give it to her, and instead, she created it for herself. She grieved the loss of the fantasy, and committed to building a life that didn’t revolve around emotional guesswork.
By the time Alex met someone new—a grounded, emotionally available man—she wasn’t waiting to be chosen. She was in a position to choose. And that made all the difference.
Finding Peace Without Their Permission
What if closure isn’t something your ex gives you, but something you claim for yourself?
You don’t need their apology to know that you were honest. That you showed up. That you felt deeply and gave something real. The ending doesn’t erase the truth of who you were. And it doesn’t mean the connection was fake just because they couldn’t honor it like you did. Some people walk away, not because you were unworthy, but because they wanted something else in life, or were unwilling to rise to the occasion.
Closure begins when you stop waiting for someone else to decide what you’re worth.
It begins when you realize: They’re gone. But you still matter. And even though you’ve been heartbroken, it’s created an opening to plant something new. Its not about proving yourself to them. It’s about not abandoning yourself in the aftermath of being abandoned by someone else.
How to Reclaim Your Center
It would be wonderful if you got the apology and explanation you deserve. But sometimes, holding onto that hope can keep you emotionally stuck and tormented. That’s why it’s wise to remain open to the possibility of receiving an apology, but never wait for it. Never depend on it. Because you don’t need it to find the closure or peace of mind that you need.
Here are 3 Steps to Find Closure after a Big Disappointment:
1. Name the fantasy that you’re grieving
Sometimes what hurts the most isn’t the person or relationship you lost, but the crushed hope for what it could have been. Sometimes it’s even the version of yourself you that longed to be in that relationship.
Write down what you hoped the relationship was meant to be. What future did you picture together? What role did you hope they would play in your life? Who did you hope to be for them?
Now take a step back and look at what you wrote—as if a friend handed you this same vision. Would you say they were building that dream with someone capable of meeting it, or projecting it onto someone who kept pulling away? Was their hope growing from reality, or clinging to potential?
Sometimes what we’re chasing isn’t even a relationship itself, but a belief. It might be something like:
“If someone chooses me, I will finally feel complete.”
“If I can read them and give them exactly what they want, they won’t leave me.”
“Strong feelings means that the love is real.”
On your own, or with a mature well-wisher, identify the beliefs that are driving your attachment—not just to the person, but to what they represent to you. Then subject those beliefs to rational scrutiny and evaluate them on their own merit. Use your intelligence.
2. Turn the focus inward
Every time you feel the urge to reach out, pause, and use that moment to journal or reach out to a friend. You’re not weak for craving connection—you’re human. It’s okay to feel that way. It’s just that they’re not the one to reach out to anymore. So instead of chasing a person who’s walked away, investigate deeper into yourself. Connect with friends, family, and helpers. Clarity comes when you stop outsourcing your emotional needs to someone who’s shown you: they can’t meet them.
Instead of looking to your ex for answers, write your own narrative. It’s not about making them the villain, but reclaiming your own observations and perspective. What can you learn from this experience that will help you moving forward? Did you ignore your own needs, or stay silent about things that bother you, to just keep the peace? What would it cost you if you constantly put your feelings and needs last?
Instead of looking to your ex for validation, look to a mature well-wisher who can listen, ask questions, and offer you insightful feedback that you might have missed on your own.
Instead of looking to your ex for peace of mind, look deeper into your own life story to understand why they affected you the way they did. Did they stir up old fears or insecurities? Have you felt this kind of longing or rejection before? Who are these feelings originally related to? What did your younger self need in order to cope with these past traumas in a healthy way? How can you give yourself these things today? Who are some good helpers or support systems for you at this time? This pain may be resurfacing an older wound. And healing it now is your opportunity to stop repeating the cycle.
Instead of looking to your ex for hope, consider what kind of life you hope to build for yourself. What kind of relationship would fit with that? Then invest yourself in the hope and the proactive work to move in that direction. And if someone you meet is unsure, incapable, or unwilling to join you there, then that’s clarity—that’s not rejection or hopelessness. You can find someone who is ready, as long as you’re patient and proactive.
3. Make a New Promise to Yourself
It’s okay if you still miss them sometimes, doubt yourself, or have moments of resentment. It might seem like those feelings will permeate your mind and life forever, but just give it some time and stay positively engaged. You will start to have moments where you forget about them. And those moments will gradually get longer and longer.
What matters is giving yourself clarity about the situation, so you can respond to moments of self-doubt with self-compassion and courage. The goal isn’t complete freedom from suffering or a perfectly pure mind. The truth is that love is risky by nature, and it takes time to heal when your hopes don’t work out. But this doesn’t stop you from making the most of your life, reconnecting with friends and family, and even having happy moments.
Make this commitment to yourself each day:
I’ll build the kind of love I longed for,
starting with how I treat myself.
Thank you for reading!
The strategies in this article are rooted in a blend of established disciplines, including attachment theory, cognitive restructuring, self-compassion research, and trauma-informed coaching. You don’t need to understand those terms to benefit from them—but it’s worth knowing that these insights aren’t random advice. They reflect principles found in evidence-based practices like ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), IFS (Internal Family Systems), and even Greek philosophy.
Still, knowing what to do isn’t the same as knowing how to do it—especially when your nervous system is flooded, your mind is looping, and your heart still hopes for repair. That’s where support matters.
If this article spoke to your experience but you’re unsure how to actually implement these changes in your life, I can help. Whether you're caught in rumination, struggling to reclaim your self-worth, or simply ready to feel peace again, you don’t have to walk this alone.
I offer a free two-session consultation to evaluate your situation and develop a personalized success plan for you. So just reach out to me today and we can take the next step forward.