5 Sweet Regret and Grateful Celebration Training

9:55 - 10:30 Welcome.

Read Stillness is the Key; Choose Virtue

10:30 - 11:15

11:15 - 11:30

Read Obstacle is the Way; Do your job

11:30 - 12

12 - 1

All self-judgements are an expression of your values. Clarify what those values are, down them to the conscious heart level

Sweet regret: cherish the value you want to better fulfill moving forward focus on your potential and

graceful, warm

weekly meetings orientation / Q&A

Reflective Journaling: Do it together.

Grateful celebration: What are some small wins I can celebrate? (Big wins count, too).

Sweet regret includes meditating on the positive value you want to better fulfill, acknowledging what you did which went against that wish, and encouraging the heck out of yourself moving forward.

First, acknowledge the heck. Give it a label and a voice. Then, encourage the heck out of yourself. Respond in a way that's conscious, rational, and positive.

Have people encourage each other

Each week a different person will take the role of honesty leader, and verbally share with the group their statement of identity, grateful celebrations, and sweet regrets. In return, every single member of the group will express either empathy or appreciation for the honesty leader's courageous sharing. In both ups and downs, we’ll encourage each other for the effort we’re putting in to become better versions of ourselves, albeit imperfectly so.

9:50 - 10:10am Reading.

Explain that when we’re doing empathy pairs, I request that listening with empathy be the default. It’s OK to speak in other ways, of course. But please do so based on the request of the speaker, or by asking the speaker’s permission.

BLACK ORB EXERCISE

Decide the order of honesty leaders by a draw of luck

Breakout into empathy pairs to discuss feelings around the order, and the anticipation of what it will be like to be empathy leader.

Show a list of core needs, and have people select the ones that are prerequisites to feel safe being vulnerable with others. See which core needs are most shared by the individuals in the group.

What are you ready to bring to the team to make others feel safe being vulnerable? What inspires you about what others have offered to contribute towards a culture of safety being vulnerable?

What to Do in Empathy Pairs

Merely follow the process unless otherwise requested by the speaker

Help each other stay focused on the process

The speaker will select one of the following questions, and answer it verbally for about 10 minutes:

• What am I struggling with?

• How might I articulate the questions I’m trying to figure out in my life right now?

• What are the core needs that are alive in my decision-making in this phase of my life? How satisfied am I with my current strategies for meeting those core needs? How can I better meet those core needs?

• How could I apply any ideas into my life that I found inspiring from the reading today?

• How could I apply any ideas into my life that I found inspiring from the honesty leader today?

• How can I support myself to do more actions worth grateful celebration, and less actions worth sweet regret?

The listener will:

• Ignore tangential interests of their own mind

• Listen carefully to the other person

• Verbally demonstrate empathy

• Interrupt as necessary to stay on track or keep up the empathy with the sharing

If you are the speaker, you may also request feedback, advice, or other forms of response, if that’s what you wish for. Please interrupt if you feel the response you are receiving is not on track with the process or your requests.

What to Do in Identity Process Time

Grateful Celebration

Sweet Regret - not based on fear of punishment. Shame is also fear of being seen as inadequate. Sweet regret is always connected to positive values you wish to better live out. There is always learning and action.

Appreciation

Empathy

Sharing Feelings that Show Care

4 Best-Self and Values Affirmation

Training Two

9:50 - 10:30 Reading

What makes it hard to accept kindness or appreciation?

Ontology

Everyone gets a foundational identity statement: “I am a conscious human being making choices how to respond to the present moment.”

Dharma is the inherent nature or qualities of someone or something. It can be unmanifest, but the potential is never lost.Our dharma as living beings is that we are conscious, dynamic, and energetic. We’re ultimately not these bodies, or even the mind — but pure consciousness.

Dharma also means occupation, or that which sustains you when you do it.

Guided meditation. Meditation is the art of being intentional with your awareness, especially in the present moment. Our attention tends to get absorbed in our thoughts, which can involve themselves in unlimited subjects of contemplation in the past or the future. The essential practice in meditation is to over and over again, bring the attention back to the present moment. This can be challenging, but there's a trick that helps a lot - to continually notice whatever is happening within you in the present moment. The first stage of this is placing your awareness on the body, noticing the movements of your mind, and then the advanced stage is when you become aware of your own awareness.

10:30 - 11:30. Teleology

Tell the story of Victor Frankl.

“We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life – daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct.” - Viktor Frankl

“First say to yourself what you would be, and then do what you have to do.” ― Epictetus

Individual journaling. Pick one line of inquiry:

1. What are the biggest things you're grateful for? What do you want to do in life to reciprocate?

2. What hardships or traumas (capital T or lowercase t) have you gone through that you’d like to protect other people from?

3. How have you always been since you were a child? What is your unique contribution to this world?

4. How would you describe yourself looking through the eyes of someone who loves you?

5. What are the biggest problems in your life? What attributes do these problems call on you to embody?

(Rule: Just write. You can refine and develop your thoughts later).

Offer a list of attributes. Have each person share their thoughts in response to the questions, as well as practice empathic listening.

1:1 breakout rooms for empathic listening. “Share what you wrote down (in summary or by reading). Then discuss:

What questions can I anticipate?

Feedback / Q&A: How was that process for you? Seek out the person who had the most trouble or difficulty and pause everything to empathize with them. Offer space for Q&A.

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11:30 - 11:45

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11:45 - 1 Best-Self Affirmations

Reading pages 53 to 59.

Then we’ll create a best self affirmation:

I am meant to be…

Option to customize or create your Dharma statement. It should be:

• Concise, not hard to remember

• Personal, not theoretical

• Practical, not archetypical

• Realistic to live up to, not perfectionistic

• Challenging enough to bring up some insecurities or self-doubt, not so hard it irrelevant

• Applicable to all (or most) areas of your life

Often when we think of commitment, we consider whether we could find a better school, a better spouse, a better book, a better investment, and so on. What we don’t realize when we’re thinking this way is that indecision is holding us back from what would be possible if we just committed to something, albeit imperfect. Your statement of identity doesn’t have to be perfect. It can evolve over time. But it’s important that you commit to come up with something before our weekly sessions begin.

If they want to keep the generic one, the other option is to explore self-defining questions.

Break out rooms.

Group sharing.

3 Compassionate Self-Leadership

Every day is a new day, and a fresh start

9:55 - 10:30

Read The Obstacle is the Way; Finding the Opportunity

1:1 breakout rooms: What traits or tendencies of yours are keeping you from being your best self and better fulfilling your core values?

10:30 - 11:15 The power of mindfulness: Take responsibility for your faults, but don't identify with them. Identify with the awareness by which you're aware of them.

11:15 - 11:30 Break

Read Stillness is the Key; Heal the Inner Child

11:30 - 12 The power of honesty and what defines you is how you respond

12 - 1 Self-Compassion Quiz, discussion, and Loving Kindness Meditation

Worthwhile purpose. To grow as a person.

In this lifestyle, the only problems are our own shortcomings. The only enemy is an undisciplined mind and senses.

This is an important lesson. Please listen and take notes as if you'll need to teach this class yourself when it's done.

The problem with attributing our problems to anything external is that it’s ultimately disempowering. Of course, it's not that there aren't external obstacles. But without those external obstacles, there would be no meaning to acting in alignment with your highest self. The real hero’s journey is conquering oneself. We need to focus on our own tendencies - conditioned, and sometimes unconscious.

The power of confessions:

“The first step is to admit you have a problem.” - AA

The second that you acknowledge the problem, you’re no longer fully under its grips. First of all, you’re noticing it, which requires some distance. Second of all, you’re humbling your ego and inviting accountability.

Individual Journaling: What tendencies of yours are keeping you from being your best self? What would benefit from having accountability for?

Breakout rooms to discuss.

Open group discussion.

Self-Compassion Quiz and group discussion

Guided Meditation: Bring to mind a tendency you have that you're not proud of. Loving Kindness Meditation. Synthesize.

When you can acknowledge your faults or mistakes while simultaneously encouraging yourself, it means you’re bigger than them.

How is that possible? By taking responsibility, but not identifying with your faults or mistakes. This enables you to acknowledge these tendencies in a way where you’re empowered to choose how to respond when they come up. This is possible when you identify yourself as a conscious being.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” - Viktor Frankl

How to expand that space

A person who is not disturbed by the incessant flow of desires – that enter like rivers into the ocean, which is ever being filled but is always still – can alone achieve peace, and not the man who strives to satisfy such desires.

Primary experience, feelings about experience, attitude towards experience, and choice in response.

Ego gets in the way. Trauma responses get in they way. Same approach. Notice it, label it, work on it.

Seeing the opportunity in the Obstacle.

Read Mindful Self-Compassion Program

Perfectionism, comparison, shame, blame, pride

Dharma

Taking ownership of faults and mistakes

3 types of determination

2 Vulnerability Workshop

9:55 - 10:30 Reading and Intros

Read Ego is the Enemy; Get Out of Your Own Head

1:1 Introductions: Name and location. What’s something you’re proud of? What’s something difficult that you’ve been through?

Partner A will answer the questions outloud while partner B practices being a generous listener. Half-way through time, they'll switch.

10:30 - 11:15 Black orb process

Think of something you would be afraid to share with the group.

“Were going to share our secrets with each other…” (Not really)

“But before we do, I want you to take a minute to notice how you feel in anticipation. What emotions are you feeling? Name them. What is happening in your body?”

You might be feeling tense. Your heart or gut may have dropped. You might be having cynical thoughts about me, Dharma Team, or this process we’re going through right now. You might be scared what people will think about you.

But we're not going to share our secrets. We're just going to talk about what it’s like to feel vulnerable.

Discuss. What was it like? What would you want from others before being vulnerable? How can you pay it forward in this group?

11:15 - 11:30 Break

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11:30 - 12 Honesty leadership

Read Stillness is the Key; Find Confidence, Avoid Ego

Images of two archers

Vulnerability means putting yourself in a position where you could get hurt. Why would anyone want to do that? Because it makes it possible to experience the most beautiful things there are in this world: love and trust.

We all have fears that try to protect us from getting hurt. Especially the more trauma we have. The cost, however, is that we also miss out on love.

In a way, we can't avoid vulnerability because we're mortal. Either we miss out on depth in our relationships while playing it safe, or we risk getting hurt and learn from our experiences as we seek the real thing.

Radhanatha Swami quote. We can only be satisfied with love.

But someone has to put their guard down first. (Picture)

There's a surprising effect when you go first. It's the opposite of what you expect, and a form of leadership.

Questions and Comments

12 - 1

Calling Out the Negatives!

Ask people to select the statements they resonate with and put them in their own words, if they choose. They should write their own honest thoughts and feelings. (10 minutes, shoot from the hip the first thing that comes to mind.)

If I’m really honest in this group, then people will laugh at me.

If other people are really honest with me in this group, then I probably won't know the right thing to say.

If I'm really honest with the people in this group, then they will probably reject me.

The people in this group seem weird.

If I perform worse than most of the people in this group, then I'll just be a complete failure.

• If I perform better than most of the people in this group, then I'll prove how I'm superior.

• Some of the processes in Dharma Team seem like they’re going to be too much.

Group process:

Only please and thank you - Marshall Rosenberg

Explain the distinction between feelings and criticism or blame, as well as core needs versus strategies. Explain how to hear the feelings and core needs behind any message.

Have people direct message me at least one answer (in a full sentence) that they wrote down.

Show all the statements anonymously with the group. Break them down into feelings and core needs together.

Ground Rules

• Don't break confidentiality by disclosing anyone's name to people outside Dharma Team, or by speaking about them in a way that makes it obvious who they are.

• We ask for your 100% in all Dharma Team activities. At the same time, everything is 100% voluntary. If you're not ready or willing to participate in any particular process, then you can officially check-out.

Send videos:

Dealing with thoughts of superiority

Fear of ridicule, barriers to accepting kindness

1 Generous Listener Training

Summary

9:55 - 10:30 Reading and Intros

Read: Stillness is the Key; Enter Relationships

(Nonchalantly get right to the process)

Welcome. We're going to be doing introductions 1:1 over the course of the trainings to make things more personal.

Introduce questions. Invite everyone to take a minute of silence to think about them.

Introductions in 1:1 Breakout rooms: What would make this experience memorable and worthwhile for you? What are you nervous about, if anything?

Group sharing.

10:30 - 11:15 What is Empathy?

Theory: All behavior can be understood by looking at outer environment, mental/emotional environment, and choices. Empathy is looking at ourselves and other people deeply, and as a whole, by recognizing all of these factors.

The Qualities of Generous Listening.

1:1 Practice: One volunteer will share while the group tries to listen with empathy and generosity.

Self-Evaluation: What did you notice getting in the way of listening with empathy and generosity?

Questions and Comments

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11:15 - 11:30 Break

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11:30 - 12:00 Mindful Listening

Read Stillness is the Key; Empty Your Mind

There are three conversations going on when two people are speaking. The conversation between the two people, and the two conversations in each of their heads.

Things to Avoid.

Practice: Discuss responses from earlier about what got in the way.

The Practice of Mindfulness (a.k.a. Metacognition) as the solution. You can’t control everything that comes up for you mentally or emotionally, but you can always control how you respond.

Individual Journaling: If you wanted to listen to another team member in the spirit of empathy and generosity, what might get in the way for you?

12:00 - 1 How to Respond

As far as possible, try to respond in a way that’s honest, potentially beneficial, and kind

Responses that convey well-wishes, care, warmth, and interest.

Read poem: Words are windows or they’re walls

Practice in 1:1 Breakout Rooms

Questions and Comments

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9:55 - 10:30

Read Stillness is the Key; Enter Relationships

Breakout for 1:1 introductions:

Name and location. What would make this experience memorable and worthwhile for you? What are you nervous about, if anything?

10:30 - 11:30 What is Empathy?

PP

Picture: What you know about someone's life versus the whole picture.

“Don’t let us forget that the causes of human actions are usually immeasurably more complex and varied than our subsequent explanations of them.” ― Dostoevsky

Give the example of taking care of a plant. No plant wants to wither or die. They want to be healthy and grow. Similarly, no one wants to be miserable. Everyone wants to be happy. So why do we make decisions that end up with the opposite result? How can we help ourselves make choices that lead to the quality of life that we need?

• Our outer environment

• Our inner environment

• The choices we make how to respond to our inner and outer environment

The quality of our actions is like condition of a plant. It’s always possible to make sense of our actions when we fully understand these three factors. And if we want to help ourselves, rather than simply considering what we should do, we need to first understand our outer and inner environment, and the choices we're making in response.

Empathy is looking at ourselves and other people deeply, and as a whole.

Explain how to listen with heart:

• Concentrate exclusively on the speaker

• With curiosity or interest to get to know the person more closely, if possible

• Listen to more than just their words (words, tone, pace, and body language)

• Imagine what it’s like to walk a mile in their shoes

• Wish the best for them, or at least wish to wish the best for them

• Listen in ways that non-verbally communicates, “I care”

Request someone to read:

“Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the suffering of another person. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less. If you want to help him to correct his perception, you wait for another time. For now, you don’t interrupt. You don’t argue. If you do, he loses his chance. You just listen with compassion and help him to suffer less. One hour like that can bring transformation and healing.” - Thich Nhat Hanh (Picture)

“The gifts we treasure most over the years are often small and simple. In easy times and tough times, what seems to matter most is the way we show those nearest us that we've been listening to their needs, to their joys, and to their challenges. Listening is a very active awareness of the coming together of at least two lives. Listening, as far as I'm concerned, is certainly a prerequisite of love. One of the most essential ways of saying 'I love you' is being a receptive listener.” - Fred Rogers (Picture)

Request the people to briefly share something they heard so far that resonated with them.

Practice:

Request a volunteer who is uncomfortable, but not terrified, of speaking in front of others. Explain the process. The volunteer will share something about their experience, either in the moment, in general, or some specific time in the past, with speaking in front of others.

Everyone will listen.

Then I will ask everyone to write their their responses to the speaker (direct private chat to me). I’ll copy and paste them all into a document for later.

Optional: We’ll get feedback from the speaker. What was this like for you?

Questions and Comments

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11:30 - 11:45 Break

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11:45 - 12:15 Mindful listening

There are three conversations going on when two people are speaking. The conversation between the two people, and the conversations in their heads. A lot of things that come to mind are very helpful. Some things can also get in the way of understanding. In order to be fully present for the other person, it’s necessary to be selective about the inputs you accept from your mind. This is only possible when you practice aware-fullness. When you’re practicing empathy, the secret is to make all of the listening about the other person — even the listening you do within yourself. If you share something, it's because it is true, potentially beneficial, and kind, too.

Things to avoid

• Myopic or unsolicited advice

• Making it about you

• Conversation-ending responses

• Initiating a different topic because you’re uncomfortable

Show responses to the speaker from earlier. Evaluate them (being more encouraging than analytical)

Individual Journaling: “If you wanted to listen to another team member with a generous heart, what might get in the way for you?”

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12:15 - 1 How to respond

Read xxx

Ways to respond:

• Express gratitude or appreciation for the other person sharing

• Celebrate their success and happiness

• Mourn their suffering and reversals

• Make generous assumptions

• Encourage the heck out of them

• Express genuine appreciation, if possible

• Separate the person from their mistakes, and encourage them as capable and worthy of better

• Show interest or care by asking open-ended questions

• Demonstrate understanding by putting what you understood in your own words

Practice in 1:1 Break-out rooms: Partner A, what's your experience like, in general, opening up with other people? Partner B please listen with empathy and generosity and try to respond in a way that demonstrates that. Switch.

Read Poem: Words are Windows or They’re Walls

Questions and Comments

Optional: