Making a Comeback After a Fall
By Damodar Roe
Turn a Setback Into a Comeback
It might be drugs, alcohol, pornography, or something else, but falling back into old habits is one of the most discouraging and confusing experiences you can possibly have. I know what it feels like. You were confidently charging ahead, like an acrobat crossing a tightrope, expecting to gracefully reach the opposite side. But with a single wrong step, you fell on your face. It seems like, in just a few moments, you’ve lost all the progress you that worked so hard for. You start to question everything. Should you keep trying until your fortune changes? Should you switch your approach? Should you give up since it seems impossible? It can be overwhelming to think about. With the fear that nothing you do will ever be good enough, you wonder how you can ever reach freedom through self-control.
You’re not alone in feeling this way. There are countless people who have overcame addiction, and if you ask them, they’ll tell you that they had many moments of despair. So what turns a setback into a comeback? It’s the realization that mistakes are never final. You’ve discovered a weakness, and that’s the first step towards fixing it. Rather than doubting yourself, or feeling ashamed, embrace this moment as an opportunity to grow as a person. Then this mistake, that seemed like a complete dead end, can actually become part of your great comeback.
reasons to be Hopeful
Before we do things that we’ll regret later, we often make the mistake of overestimating our capabilities. We confidently charge forward, without recognizing the obstacles ahead, Then, we trip and fall into a dark place of confusion and dispair. Pride comes before the fall.
Now, as you pick yourself up from this place, what you really need isn’t just a fresh start, but hope that things can be different next time. Fortunately, every setback carries with it a lesson that can make you wiser when you accept it.
The first lesson is this: Don’t let pride make you think that you’re invincible. Overconfidence leads to reckless choices and sets you up for failure. Real strength comes from respecting your limits.
The second lesson is that breaking free from addiction isn’t about dramatic, once-and-for-all declarations. Talk is cheap. But you show your commitment by consistently making choices that, over time, make you stronger than your cravings. This takes practice. But even though it doesn’t happen overnight, the most obvious place to start, which is absolutely necessary before you can make any progress, is to try your best not to be a needless cheater. If you’re not willing to let these things go, then your ideas of change are just wishful thinking, like a kid who wants to become an astronaut one day, but has no idea what’s required. Once you commit to give up dishonesty though, you can graduate from weakness to strength, and turn wishful thinking into real progress. This will give you a clear path forward with real promise for change.
Hope is an optimistic state of mind that comes from believing you can reach an outcome you want. But to make that belief truly justified, you need four key elements::
A worthy goal: You know where you’re going and why.
A winning strategy: You know what’s required to succeed.
Informed motivation: You have good reasons to do what’s required.
Self-belief: You believe that you’re capable of doing what’s required.
If you’re missing any of these elements, then you’re not actually equipped to achieve the results you want yet. So it’s not fair to criticize yourself for falling short of expectations that are actually unrealistic. Instead, set your mind on trying smarter. I will explain how to do this in more detail, but in summary: Choose a goal that reflects your values. Build a strategy based on foresight and preparation. Clarify the reasons you want to embrace the challenges ahead. And gain experiences that prove that you’re capable of more than you realized. Then you will have reasons to feel hopeful. This will translate into effective action, which is just what you need to make a real comeback.
A Worthy Goal
Repeated failures can break your spirit, and make you hold back from sincerely trying. Giving in to this fear makes you procrastinate, give up, or settle for half-measures. For example, you might enjoy binging on junk food… but try to avoid the consequences by spitting it out after chewing. You might try to quit hard drugs… but only for a week. Half-hearted goals like these will leave you feeling spiritually adrift—not fully committed to your values, but also restricted from enjoying naturally. Your mind is left in a state of confusion and self-conflict.
In the Bhagavad-Gita, it is said:
“People who always doubt themselves will inevitably be lost. Therefore, the doubts which have arisen in your heart out of ignorance should be slashed by the weapon of knowledge. Armed with yoga, O Bharata, stand and fight.”
These verses assume that failure isn’t a permanent curse, but the result of two things: ignorance and weakness. This is great news because ignorance can be overcome with knowledge, and weakness can be overcome by developing strength. Instead of assuming that you’re incapable of reaching a worthy goal, therefore, assume that you simply don’t know how to get there yet, or that you still need practice to follow through.
Instead of setting goals and standards based on self-limiting beliefs, therefore, evaluate your options on their own merits. Select an ultimate goal that reflects your personal values and principles. Then break it down into bite-sized steps and figure out how to grow into it, assuming that it’s possible for you.
Ask yourself:
If I fully trusted my ability to follow through, what goals or standards would I set?
What makes these goals or standards meaningful for me personally?
Reflect on these questions and put your answers into writing. Start with a rough draft and gradually develop and refine your ideas into something coherent and compelling. Once you have a worthy goal in mind, reflect on the reasons that make it important for you personally. Take lessons from both your successes and failures that gradually help you move in that direction. Never assume that your ultimate success is impossible just because you make some mistakes along the way. In the words of A.C. Bhaktivedanta Swami Prabhupada, “If you cannot do something, but you simply think, ‘How can I do it? How can I do it? How can I do it?’ then you will also become liberated.”
Mistakes are Part of the Journey
“Cheating and weakness are two separate things.” — Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati
Self-control isn’t something you either have or don’t have. It’s a muscle you build with practice, and it depends on you taking care of yourself. Even with the best of intentions, it still takes personal growth to overcome any addiction. Just because you make some mistakes along the way doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re insincere or hopeless.
At the same time, you don’t want to postpone meaningful change to a future that will never come. So how can you tell whether you’re making progress despite a few slips, or you’re hopelessly repeating the same tired mistakes? To answer this question, you need to understand the difference between slipping because of weakness, and crumbling because of dishonesty.
Slipping is a mistake that happens because of weakness. When you analyze what happened, the mistakes you made were out of ignorance or weakness, and not any informed, voluntary choices on your part. You were sincerely trying, and your mind was committed. But because you haven’t developed the strategy, strength, or support that you need yet, you did something you regret. Don’t be too hard on yourself for this. Just like it’s not possible for a child to learn to how walk without falling, mistakes are part of the recovery journey, too. As long as you’re giving your best effort and learning from your mistakes, these setbacks are only temporary. So don’t be discouraged. Get back up and keep trying. You’re meant to stand and walk.
Crumbling is when you make choices that contribute to the problem. You might be going through the motions and saying all the right things. But you’re not sincerely trying to reach the actual outcome of sobriety. Instead, you find excuses that soothe your ego, and avoid accountability, while creating space for you to make more poor choices. The danger is that as soon as you allow yourself to accept just one excuse or exception, it puts your mind in a state to cheat even more. The psychology of lying is that after you get away with it once, you keep going even more with it. Every new excuse or exception creates a loophole you can exploit at any time, this creating a pattern. The exception becomes the rule.
From an external perspective, weakness and cheating look very similar. In both cases, you’re falling back into old habits. But no one slips on purpose. As soon as it’s done on purpose, it’s not “slipping” but diving. The difference between the two depends on your intentions, your choices, and the mindset you had before and during the act. We can find this same idea in Western law. The difference between first, second, and third-degree offenses depends on whether the crime was entirely accidental, a predictable outcome of reckless behavior, or something you planned in advance. The important thing to note here is that when you evaluate your mistakes, you can only tell whether they were based on weakness or cheating by looking at your mindset, and not just the actions themselves. More important than flawless execution is making sure that you’re not complicit in your own mistakes. At all costs, you need to avoid harboring a mens rea, or ‘criminal mindset’.
When you’re committed to the path of recovery, you will want to find a commitment you can actually keep. But if you’ve made larger-than-life commitments before, only to break them, you might hesitate. It’s not always possible to keep a commitment to flawlessness. But since cheating is based on choices that you could have avoided, you can keep the commitment to refrain from cheating at any stage in your recovery. You don’t have to be perfect to give your best effort, to be honest, or to learn from your mistakes. So make an unconditional commitment to these principles. And don’t be discouraged if your journey is gradual and imperfect. The depth of your sincerity will carry you through the journey to transform your character.
A Winning Strategy: The Opposite of Cheating
“It’s time you realized that you have something in you more powerful and miraculous than the things that affect you and make you dance like a puppet.” — The journal of Marcus Aurelius
Desire, fantasy, and excuses are natural for the mind. They’re also very powerful. Until you find the power inside yourself to remain unmoved by them, the situation will seem truly hopeless. That’s why, as you sincerely look for the path out of addiction, you need to find a place inside yourself that can stand strong against the onslaught of unworthy cravings.
The Bhagavad-Gita reveals how we can find this place. It’s nothing mystical or hard to understand, but assets you use every day—your intelligence and your awareness. Awareness allows you to notice your own thoughts, feelings, desires, actions, and environment, rather than being so absorbed in your own experience that it becomes second nature. Intelligence is the part of your mind that empowers you to choose your words and actions, evaluating your options on their own merit, even when your impulses are pushing and pulling you in other directions. Your awareness and intelligence are your higher self. Think of them as your inner authority. When your mind suggests something, the role of your inner authority is to notice and think twice before accepting it. By putting your inner authority to good use, you can avoid a lot of unnecessary trouble. Even when you’re torn and conflicted with thoughts and feelings that pull you in a million different directions, your inner authority can help you to determine which direction is truly worth pursuing.
The most obvious place to start in any winning strategy is to stop getting in your own way. Stop doing things you know you can change that are only making the situation worse. But you can go even further than merely not cheating. You can use your intelligence to do the opposite of cheating.
Instead of avoiding challenges, embrace them.
Instead of playing with fire, don’t take unnecessary risks.
Instead of making excuses, evaluate your beliefs on their own merit.
Instead of giving up, give your best effort.
Following these principles is necessary for recovery, and therefore we can even call them laws. Once you find yourself neglecting any of these laws, remember that crumbling isn’t far away. Rather than measuring your progress by how much you think about change, or how much you talk about it, measure it by how well you align your choices with positive principles.
Let’s explore these laws in more detail, which lie at the heart of a successful comeback.
Law 1: Embrace Challenges
Imagine that you’re stuck in a dark, cold well. Luckily, there’s a sturdy ladder that’s just tall enough to reach the surface. But the cold is really biting, and you want to get nice and warm before you start the long climb to the top. So you break the ladder into pieces and make a fire. It feels really cozy for a few hours, but then you realize your mistake. You’re stuck with no way to get out.
The moral of the story is: Sometimes the only way out of an unpleasant situation is to accept some temporary discomfort and embrace whatever challenges will put you in a better position. Otherwise, trying to numb your feelings just because they’re unpleasant doesn’t actually solve the problem. You remain stuck in a dark place, becoming more and more dependent on addictive habits to cope with it. The longer you stay, the more it makes you feel incapable of handling life sober. You lose your freedom to control yourself and your life. Instead, do the opposite. Process your unpleasant emotions and face difficult situations, so that you can build your self-confidence and make life better.
Embracing challenges is not about punishing yourself or suffering for its own sake. It’s about aligning your actions with your values and making choices that are better for you in the long-term. You stop treating pain like an emergency and start seeing it as something you can move through with intention. Each time you do, you prove to yourself what you’re capable of and deepen your self-respect. Therefore, embrace challenges that will deepen your integrity and well-being. When you see these choices as serving your best interest, you’ll have a positive attitude that empowers you to keep going. That way, even when you make a mistake, getting back on track will be a return to something you love.
Law 2: Don’t take Unecessary Risks
Self-sabotage is when you make choices that incrementally lead to relapse. There are many ways to do this, but let’s look at the most common ones.
The slippery slope / playing with fire
Sometimes, self-sabotage begins on a sensual level. You experience something that sparks an intoxicating feeling, and you want more. You take it as an invitation to explore the possibilities of where this initial sample might lead you. Lowering you guard to risky situations or behaviors, you forget about the future consequences. Deep down, the hope is to be swept away—to cross the line without fully admitting you surrendered to the momentum that got you here. For example, you might scroll through sexually suggestive content on social media, reassuring yourself that it isn’t “technically” pornography, all while knowing that enough exposure will awaken desires that overpower your the part of your mind that is still resisting. It’s a game that creates the illusion that you were a victim of circumstance, and therefore you can’t be held accountable for choosing to give in.
You can overestimate your willpower once. But after that, making the same mistake requires not just impulsive short-sightedness, but self-deception—you have to pretend to not know where you’re going, despite having taken that route before. Instead, be brutally honest with yourself and avoid unnecessary risks. Some situations should be avoided entirely because they almost guarantee relapse, while others require caution and clear boundaries. For example, if you know that scrolling late at night makes you more vulnerable to temptation, then set a rule to put your phone away an hour before bed. If certain places, people, or routines make slipping up more likely, be proactive about minimizing your exposure. Create distance, set barriers, and add friction between yourself and the habit you’re trying to break.
A mild attitude of cynicism or indifference can fortify you against such temptations. Various interest groups in society, like corporate advertisers, use psychology to capture your attention, make you feel incomplete, and brainwash you into buying their products. Without an awareness of how you’re being manipulated, and a self-possessed spirit of independence, you might think you’re acting on your own desires, when they were actually planted in your mind by others. But by reframing fantasies and desires as weaknesses to manipulation and compromise, they lose their power over you. Then, just like you remain cautious and guarded in a dangerous place, but you relax at home, be cautious around people and situations that spark desires that go against your integrity and well-being. And more importantly, actively seek out positive influences where you can relax and feel at home.
Disturbing your own mind
Sometimes, self-sabotage begins on a mental or emotional level—where you disturb yourself on purpose, knowing it will trigger desires for escape. You might dwell on resentful thoughts, escalate personal conflicts, or obsess over the “evilness” of addiction in a way that keeps it on the top of your mind. For example, you might think, “I feel so lonely. I will never meet someone. In fact, everyone has rejected me because they’re all selfish. That’s why I deserve to make myself feel better. It sure would be nice to smoke weed again.” It doesn’t really matter whether you condemn such thoughts, because their presence in your mind keeps your focus locked on the very thing you're trying to avoid.
When you notice you’re getting lost in self-sabotaging thoughts, take a deep breath and gently engage your senses with the physical environment around you. Notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. As you do this, ask yourself:
Is this concern happening right now, or is it just replaying in my mind? If it’s just in the mind, I need to remind myself that thoughts aren’t realities—and I can choose where to focus my attention.
If the situation is real, how much control do I have over this? I need to accept what I can’t control and take action to change what I can.
You don’t need to eliminate disturbing thoughts entirely—that’s not a realistic goal. Instead, focus on what you do with them. You don’t need to believe every impression you have, or act on every impulse you feel. Instead, be conscious and intentional with your beliefs and actions, rather than allowing the struggle with disturbing thoughts to undermine your self-control.
Law 3: Don’t Accept Excuses
No one likes to feel ashamed of themselves. Even when we make serious mistakes, we often try to justify them to make ourselves look better. We blame circumstances or other people, convince ourselves we had no choice, or focus on others peoples’ flaws. There are endless diversions you can come up with. But no matter how clever the reasoning, the real purpose any excuse is to soften the guilt over something that, deep down, you know was a poor choice.
Making excuses is a form of self-deception that undermines your intelligence. Instead of thinking about what’s right and then guiding yourself accordingly, you hide your behind a mask of stories that justify your hidden intentions. In other words, you start with a desire and then bend logic to support it. This turns your mind into a tool for self-sabotage instead of self-mastery. It’s like a judge taking bribes from a defendant. This corruption comes at the cost of undermining your own determination, accepting lies as truth, and making poor decisions that have real consequences.
What makes something an excuse? An excuse is strong enough to justify pulling the trigger, but not strong enough to hold up to real scrutiny. It’s a kind of reasoning designed for the effect of weakening your resistance to something you crave, rather than to uncovering the truth. When you’re in doubt, imagine seeking feedback from someone you trust and respect. Would you be confident in your reasoning? There’s nothing wrong taking breaks or enjoying treats in moderation, for example. But there are also ideas that are obviously indefensible, like stealing prescription drugs. The more you expose your thinking about a habit under question, the more you open up the opportunity to find healthy alternatives. This is how you break free from self-deception and start making choices that align with your values.
There are two times when it’s most important to avoid making excuses:
During moments of cravings: It’s important to recognize that intense cravings come with crazy thoughts. Recognize this experience for what it is: a temporary state of insanity. Any thoughts that seem to justify bad choices cannot be taken seriously. Invalidate them all. As long as you don’t endorse any of these cravings as good ideas, there’s no need to wish the storm would go away. Just be patient and it will pass on its own.
After you make a mistake: Don’t let all-or-nothing thinking drive you from one extreme to another—expecting complete success overnight and then using the slightest mistake as a license to jump off the cliff headfirst into a binge. Progress isn’t about perfection. It’s about getting back on track without letting one mistake determine your whole journey. Even when you lose control, minimize the damage as much as you can, and get yourself back on track as quickly as possible. Allowing your mistakes to spiral completely out of control is a sign of making excuses.
Think of yourself as a truth seeker. Rejecting excuses is about sharpening your mind and deepening your understanding of reality and who you are. Every time you expose an excuse, you strip away illusions and gain a clearer view of your own strength, weaknesses, and purpose. This makes you more intelligent, more self-aware, and ultimately, more in control of your own life. Instead of being a prisoner to hidden biases and rationalizations, you become a person who sees things as they are and acts with real power. The more honest you are with yourself, the sharper your thinking becomes, the stronger you grow, and the more capable you are of achieving what truly matters to you.
Law 4: Don’t Give Up
The final step in all relapses is giving up. At some point, you realize that you’re reaching the point of no return. You could stop right there and turn around, but instead you say, “screw it” and impulsively keep going. Reaching this final step is the culmination of a slow drift that began with several moments of laziness and poor choices. You’ve given up way too much ground and put yourself into a weak position. You’re selling yourself short when you could do much better.
A warrior doesn’t abandon the fight just because it’s tough. Rather, his motto is to die trying and go down swinging. Give your best effort and you will discover what you’re truly capable of. Keep trying, and you will gradually reach levels of self-mastery that you never imagined possible before. The real test is to not give up even during the most difficult moments, and not just when it’s easy or makes you look good. Keep proving to yourself that you can rise above temptations, and in time, you’ll become someone who never even considers surrender an option.
Mentorship With Accountability
Everyone makes mistakes. But as long as you’re not engaged in dishonesty and self-sabotage, it’s only a matter of weakness, and not cheating. That’s why the most important kind of accountability is not superficial and judgmental, but deeply introspective and curious by nature. You don’t just report your actions. You also acknowledge what was going on in your mind and heart at the time, like painful emotions and a desire for relief. Then you evaluate the choices you made in response, remembering that you don’t have to act on every impulse you feel.
Being honest is absolutely necessary before you can expect real progress. But you don’t have to figure everything out on your own. In fact, accountability works best in relationship, not isolation. Otherwise, you might get lost trying to figure what to do. You might not notice how you’re biased towards confirming your own preconceived opinions or justifying what you already want to do. You might not even realize you have an unhealthy pattern in your life because it’s so familiar that it doesn’t catch your attention anymore. On your own, it’s too easy to fall back into old habits, leaving your mistakes unexamined because of excuses or simply not thinking. A mentor is a separate individual who can give you objective feedback, challenge your assumptions, and bring important issues to your attention. They will challenge your assumptions when necessary and give you the structure and feedback you need to stay consistent.
Work with your mentor to clarify your values in a way that makes it clear what goals and standards you should be striving for. Talk about what’s holding you back—like doubts, fears, or confusion. Talk through those issues and clarify the reasons why you want to overcome your addiction. Commit yourself to reporting all your errors, excuses, and self-sabotaging behavior. Simply knowing that you will have to explain your choices is enough to protect you from acting on any ideas that you wouldn’t be confident to present to another. Your mentor will give you the perspective and insights you need. They will encourage you to believe in yourself and you will celebrate your wins together. As you begin to reach new milestones every day, your mentor will guide you through new territory, saving you the trouble of having to learn from trial-and-error.
Until you’re able to control yourself without support, you need to meet with your mentor regularly. They might not perfectly match your preferences, but this doesn’t have to stop you. Use the discomfort as a motivation to graduate the program. Otherwise, simply knowing that you can get away with cutting corners is a powerful trigger you might not be ready for.
Informed Motivation: Escaping the Maze of Addiction
“An enlightened person is not shaken by the movements of the mind. Rather, he is situated as if above it all.” — Bhagavad-Gita 14.23
Breaking free from addiction is like finding your way out of a maze. If you keep making impulsive and short-sighted choices, then you will remain trapped and confused, going around in circles over and over again. But by climbing a ladder to look at the maze from above, you can see which turns will lead to freedom, and which ones will keep you stuck. Similarly, now that you know the four types of cheating to avoid, it shouldn’t be a mystery anymore which choices are keeping you stuck. This moment is truly telling because it reveals the most fundamental question—are you willing to quit cheating when given the chance?
Some people think of quitting a habit as a loss. Others, however, see it as an opportunity. The difference between these two people lies in what they value. The person who refuses to quit cheating, even when given the chance, is short-sighted. He only considers how the addiction feels compared to self-control. But the intelligent person realizes there are more important things in life than comfort, which when given too much importance, can actually interfere with your integrity and well-being. Therefore, he’s happy to embrace some challenges for the sake of his own self-interest.
So how do we shift from being guided by our impulses to prioritizing our values? Do we have to hit rock bottom before we gain enough motivation to try? The truth is that there is no such thing as “rock bottom”. As long as you’re still living, you can keep sinking to lower and lower levels of degradation. No external cause or mechanical process can make you choose the higher path. It has to come from your own heart, when you commit yourself to the journey, after understanding what’s required to be successful.
Everyone has reasons they want to change. You might want to be a more reliable person for the people you care about. You might want to have a healthy, happy life. You might want to achieve something amazing. Whatever it might be, when you deeply understand why the goals and standards you strive for are worthy and meaningful, it provides a sense of purpose that can’t be taken away by any temporary setbacks. This knowledge of your own values will give you clarity, so that you can then develop the inner strength for complete success.
Self-Belief: Experiences of Success
Even after you commit to change, there might be some setbacks. But once you commit to this path you will never crumble. And eventually, once you’ve developed the strength and responsibility you need, you will stand, walk, run, jump, and fly — without ever slipping — just like you’re meant to.
Believing in yourself comes from reaching new levels where you realize that you’re capable of more than you thought. But wherever you are on this path—even if you’ve failed repeatedly—this present moment is where the rest of the fight begins. Embrace your challenges, respect your limits, don’t accept excuses, and don’t give up. Each time you say, “no” to urges and temptations, you gain a reason to believe that you’re capable of lasting change.
Thanks for Reading!
Understanding this knowledge is step one. But you need to go a step further to see how it applies to you. Click the link below to fill out the Relapse Evaluation Form. It will help you to identify key mistakes you’re making that once eliminated, will place you safely on the path to complete freedom.
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