Maybe a friend or relative showed it to him. Maybe he heard about it from somewhere, and then felt curious to look it up. Maybe he just found it by accident. But regardless, he was only a child when he first encountered pornography.
That first exposure made such a strong impression on him that even decades later, he can still remember what he saw that night, and the rush he felt.
That child is you and me.
We’re not alone. The average child is first exposed to pornography by age 11. Many are exposed to it even younger. By the time you think twice about it, you’ve already had the habit for years.
Statistics also show that not all kids who are exposed to pornography will go on to develop habitual patterns of seeking it out. So, what makes the difference whether it becomes a habit or not? How does it eventually become such a strong habit that people feel unable to give up?
The answer is that some people develop an emotional dependence on pornography, while others do not.
Many of us are coming from backgrounds with ongoing stress, painful events, or even devastating betrayals. Many of us grew up in broken families, with dysfunction, divorce, neglect, or abuse. Many of us naively imitated as kids what we saw in porn, and therefore molested friends or family members, or were molested by them. Many of us felt inadequate in school, and struggled to conform to others’ expectations of who we should be. We lost loved ones to disease and death, or their own poor decisions.
There are so many things that happened which put our minds and bodies into a state of pain or panic. These intense moments of crisis, or years of ongoing stress, have strongly influenced the development of our minds and bodies. They left lasting pain, in addition to the ongoing stresses of daily life. We understandably sought out ways to soothe this pain.
At some point, you realized that looking at pornography had such a strong soothing effect on you that you could forget whatever you were feeling at the moment. Whether you were feeling lonely, angry, inadequate, dissatisfied, anxious, or whatever - just by immersing yourself in the intense sensations of this habit, all that unpleasantness seemed to just disappear. And instead of experiencing all those disturbing feelings, you found the way to enter a mind-altering world of exciting stimulation and danger. It was a world where you had complete control, and you could get what you wanted when you wanted it.
You starting depending on pornography to cope with life.
Even if you haven’t been through a lot of trauma, we live in a consumeristic society where we're constantly bombarded with the mindless consumption of artificial needs. Scientifically designed advertisements train us every day to devalue what we have, and crave for what we don’t have. The supply of quick-and-dirty enjoyment is so all-pervading, that we could spend our whole day simply choosing between different forms of it, but never wake up to any other possibilities of how we might better use our time.
It’s not at all surprising that so many people - mostly men, but also women - are addicted to porn. At the click of a button, we can see unlimited images and videos. We can see whatever sexual act we can possibly imagine. And our brains can’t tell the difference between image and reality. We get the same chemical rewards as if it were actually happening. Somehow, we feel wanted, validated, and safe.
Unlike real life relationships, there’s zero chance of being emotionally hurt, abandoned, or betrayed. It’s free. It’s available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and 365 days a year. And no one has to know about this private little habit because it’s very easy to hide.
When we consider all these factors, it’s not at all surprising that porn addiction is a widespread pandemic. You’re not the only one. And there’s nothing inherently wrong with you.
I know how it feels to fail repeatedly and doubt I can ever change. I know how it feels to hide behind masks. A subtle energy comes to my heart like an ominous necessity. Somehow without words I know exactly what it orders me to do — immediately. I try to think my way out of it, reminding myself how I should feel and behave. But it grows in opposition, and I doubt my capacity to resist this overpowering energy, especially remembering how many times I’ve failed before. Still, I try one more time to say, “I’m not going to do this anymore”, but in just the same breath, my body is moving despite me. I’ve lost control, and just give up.
My body shivers as I feel both the gratification of desire, and a nervous tension of something wrong happening. I’ve fully entered into the dark side of myself that I hate, but which only remains and controls me from time to time. My shadow. Failing again despite my best efforts, I feel hopeless. It seems like the best I can do is rationalize and try to forget about it. But I’m alone in this struggle. I fear that if I open up to anyone then I will be rejected, thus losing the life I’ve managed to build on the foundation of an image people that know me by.
But I also know what it feels like to hold strong through my temptations, and gain confidence and trust in myself. I know what it feels like to finally start making tangible progress, and get stronger every day. I know what it feels like to find my power.
Let me invite you on a journey now to find yours.