The Hidden Cost of Likes
By Damodar Roe
“We’ve moved away from having a tools-based technology environment, and instead to an addiction- and manipulation-based technology environment.”
—Tristan Harris, Former Design Ethicist at Google
If Galileo had Tik Tok
In the age of social media, our lives have become intertwined with digital personas, carefully curated to project an image of perfection and popularity. However, beneath the veneer of likes and followers, there lies a profound paradox. As we strive for validation and connection online, we risk losing sight of what truly matters, and sacrificing our authentic selves on the altar of social approval.
You might doubt yourself because of negative comments or receiving a small number of likes, even about something that’s really important to you. You might feel so concerned with digital status, that you stare at your phone even while you’re with your friends and family. The blur of random videos on your feed hypnotizes you into a state of passive consumption, as corporations harvest your personal data and send you curated ads that suit their interests. This blunts your focus on the things that really matter in life, and makes you maladaptive.
We assume that likes, positive comments, and shares, reveal the true value of something. But just because something isn’t very popular doesn’t mean it’s bad. For example, imagine if social media existed in the 1960s, and Martin Luther King Jr. shared his ideas about racial equality and nonviolence on Instagram, Twitter (X), and TikTok. Imagine how many hateful comments he would receive, and how he might get banned from the platform. Wouldn’t it be a shame if he doubted himself because of this, and then tried to cope with it by spacing out on screens with all the time? What a powerful and dignified voice we would have lost. What would have happened to the world if we never saw him standing on his own two feet?
Similarly, just because something is unpopular doesn’t mean it’s not true. Imagine if Galileo had shared his discoveries on social media that our universe revolves around the sun. Would the sun have switched course, and started revolving around the Earth just because the Catholic church launched a campaign to discredit him? Of course, the cutting-edge research of this great scientist might not have gotten very far if he was always passively scanning shiny bits of piecemeal information.
Dr. King and Galileo both stood for what they believed in against all odds. And their powerful ideas eventually changed the world in spite of having been very unpopular at the time. When it comes to you, whether you make an impact on eight people or 8.1 billion people, what’s important is that your contribution means something to you.
The Hidden COst of Likes
We are all born and raised with certain cultural assumptions, ways of doings things, likes, and dislikes. What makes something bright and popular at any given time is not brought about by the sun of truth, but by the electronic buttons of opinion. Whether in comment sections, posts, or viral videos, we absorb so much loud approval or blame on social media about what is cool or weird. When these opinions are constantly echoed and amplified across platforms, the torrent of influencers sets a standard in your mind of what is “cool” or “normal.” The opinions are often not explicitly stated but communicated subliminally like advertisements. Anything you might have previously learned or figured out on your own is brought into question because you know that it’s different, and to be different is vulnerable. Especially if you’re prone to people-pleasing, pursuing a unique path in life feels nearly impossible.
The urge to fit in runs deep in all human beings and is related to our survival instincts. Many people’s worst fears are rejection or abandonment. This because we are social creations, and in extreme scenarios, being expelled from society can be a kind of death. There is a healthy place for fitting in, like being respectful of other people and conscientious of social norms. But the fear of rejection can become irrational when you start to feel like your life depends on being liked. This irrational fear influences you to make choices that compromise your values and well-being.
Values: When you focus on making people like you, it becomes your main goal and stops you from making choices based on your values.
Well-being: Since other people’s perceptions and opinions about you are outside of your direct control, when you try to control that, it makes you insecure, anxious, and ungrounded.
The way you know when to blend in and when to stand out is by making choices according to your own values. But in order to discover and live by your values, it is necessary to at least be willing to be stand out and be different sometimes. Otherwise, if you blindly conform or rebel against societal standards, you may overlook or suppress what truly matters to you, leading to a sense of emptiness or disconnection from your inner voice. It requires the courage to stand by your convictions, even if they challenge prevailing opinions or traditions. Fitting in, being popular, getting a million likes or followers — these things feel nice for a moment. But they’re too shallow to serve as the most important goal of your life. At some point, you need to get up and do something that matters to you, even when it means not fitting in.
Insiders Speak Out
Social media platforms are intentionally designed to exploit certain vulnerabilities in human psychology, such as the desire for external validation. Here are some quotes some insiders that expose this agenda:
“The thought process that went into building these applications — Facebook being the first of them — was all about: ‘How do we consume as much of your time and conscious attention as possible?’ And that means that we need to give you a little dopamine hit every once in a while, because someone liked or commented on a photo or a post or whatever. And that’s going to get you to contribute more content, and that's going to get you more likes and comments. It’s a social-validation feedback loop — exactly the kind of thing that a hacker like myself would come up with, because you’re exploiting a vulnerability in human psychology. The inventors, creators — it’s me, it’s Mark (Zuckerberg), it’s Kevin Systrom on Instagram, it’s all of these people — understood this consciously. And we did it anyway.” — Sean Parker, Founding President of Facebook
“We took a page from Big Tobacco’s playbook, working to make our offering addictive at the outset.” — Tim Kendall, Former Director of Monetization at Facebook
“One of the core things that is going on is that they have incentives to get people to use their service as much as they possibly can, so that has driven them to create a product that is built to be addictive. Facebook is a fundamentally addictive product that is designed to capture as much of your attention as possible without any regard for the consequences. Tech addiction has a negative impact on your health, and on your children’s health. It enables bad actors to do new bad things, from electoral meddling to sex trafficking. It increases narcissism and people’s desire to be famous on Instagram. And all of those consequences ladder up to the business model of getting people to use the product as much as possible through addictive, intentional design tactics, and then monetizing their users’ attention through advertising.” — Sandy Parakilas, Former Facebook Operations Manager
“[Social media is] an advertising-based business model with all-knowing technology that can stitch together the most riveting feed of content that will trigger every single base emotion you have and keep you coming back for more.” — Tim Kendel, Former Director of Monetization at Facebook
Anti Social Media Manifesto
Social media is the opiate of the masses. It feeds on our insecurities, turning us into products to be sold and consumed. While we’re sleepwalking through life, too busy crafting the perfect online image and checking likes to truly grow as a person, the algorithm is what’s growing instead. The more we “share”, the less we connect. The more we worry what people will “like”, the less we know what we truly value.
Social media gives us the illusion of control. But it determines all the options you have to choose from. Therefore, conscientious individuals set their own rules and guidelines for social media use that empower them to use these tools without becoming slaves to its addictive nature.
1
When you wake up in the morning,
don’t make your first choice to passively space out on a screen.
Get up and seize the day.
2
Turn off all push notifications from social media apps.
Only log on by your own purposeful initiative.
3
No scrolling down any infinite feeds of random content,
which puts you in a mindless, passive state.
Only search intentionally according to your own conscious interests and purpose.
Find creative ways to get the best out of the internet and use it to your advantage,
rather than being exploited by the intentionally addictive features of social media.
4
No clicking on the notifications bell, which prompts your behavior.
Only check for comments on previous posts after your eagerness to do so has waned.
Don’t intentionally check views or likes on your stories at all.
If you must check these things, do it as infrequently as possible and skim quickly.
5
Make it hard to access social media on your phone.
This optimizes your ability to act consciously, rather than impulsively.
To follow these rules is challenging, but you can do it. And the journey is an opportunity to grow as a person. Here’s how:
There is a moment after you feel urge to log on or post, and you haven’t done it yet. Take this important moment to check your intentions and look at the crossroads in front of you. On one side is a shimmering mirage of validation, beckoning you with the promise of likes, comments, and shares. On the other side is an journey towards deeper relationships, identity, and purpose. Always consider which path your mind is trying to take you down. And if it’s lusting after that false mirage, then just rest assured that the desire won’t last forever, and you don’t have to act on it. In fact, you shouldn’t act on it. (Unless you want to join the masses who make money for the social media platforms, offering their spirits to the screen so that advertisers can imbed messages deep into their psyches.)
The conscientious individual might go online to advocate for an important cause, build a brand, research knowledge, or share personal photos with friends and family. But his values are sturdy anchors, firmly rooted in the bedrock of identity and purpose. He always keeps at least one foot out of the water, as the tide of likes and comments ebbs and flows. And his anchors remain unmoved, guiding him with unwavering certainty. His concerns are with real life, and the people he loves.
More and more people are waking up to the reality of social media, and becoming conscientious individuals. They’re tired of the narcissistic self-obsession, wasting time, and constant thirst for attention and validation. You are also called upon to stand up because you are not your Instagram profile. You are a human being. And your mission is to take action and makes choices that serve what really matters to you.