The Wings of Self-Mastery

The Wings of Self-Mastery

Discipline and Restraint

Imagine that just like a young bird is meant to fly, you’re meant to live a life of virtue and integrity. The only problem is that sometimes you dislike what’s good for you. Likewise, sometimes you like what’s bad for you. To counteract these two misdirected forces, you need two special virtues. These virtues are like your wings because they make it possible to reach new heights. One of your wings is discipline, the virtue to counteract your aversion to things that are good for you. The other wing is restraint, the virtue to counteract your desire for things that are bad for you. By exercising both these wings, you can rise above the

A young bird lays inside its nest, and being safe it thinks is best.

Yet deep inside, it longs to fly, to spread its wings and touch the sky.

But fear might keep it trapped in place, afraid to leave this sheltered space.

The world is wide, the winds are strong, but staying here feels just as wrong.

 It needs two wings to rise and fly, one wing is discipline, aiming high.

Push past your thoughts and stay on track, insist on action, never slack.

The second wing, restraint, controls what you do, resists what lures or clouds your view.

To hold your ground when temptations call, knowing they’re bound to rise and fall.

 With these two wings, the bird will rise, and glide with ease through open skies.

And so will you—with virtues like wings, feel the freedom that virtue brings.

How to Strengthen Your Wings

Just like a bird must practice flapping its wings before it can fly, discipline and restraint take time and effort to develop. So don’t expect immediate perfection. Instead, treat it as a practice and a journey.

 

Restraint

When you feel an urge to do something you shouldn’t, remember that this feeling is temporary. And just because the feeling is intense, doesn’t make it a good idea. If you succumb to it, you will regret it later because the pleasure won’t last, but the guilt and shame will.

Strong urges and temptations are only suggestion from your mind, and not a commands that you have to obey. You can’t completely prevent them from arising, but if you just wait until they go away on their own. Hold your ground and wait for the storm to pass.

Every time you refuse to act on an urge or temptation, you grow stronger. Therefore, think of the experience as a gain or profit. Smile and lovingly embrace the opportunity to become a stronger person by refusing to accept poor suggestions from your mind.

The commitment to weather the storm will come with discomfort. Lean into the experience and encourage yourself through it. Do what you can to improve your situation and nourish your well-being.

Types of Restraint

You don’t have to be perfectly self-controlled all the time. Different situations call for different approaches. Some pleasures are best postponed, some are best enjoyed in moderation, and some are best avoided altogether. Choosing the right form of restraint helps you stay aligned with your goals and well-being.

  • Delayed Gratification: Waiting to enjoy treats or recreation until you've reached a specific goal or time.

  • Moderation: Enjoying something in small, controlled amounts instead of overindulging.

  • Abstinence: Completely avoiding anything that could harm your progress or well-being.

Meditation:

Imagine yourself amidst a terrible storm. Know inside yourself that it cannot hurt you as long as you stand your ground.

Tell yourself, “This too shall pass.”

 

Discipline

When you hesitate to do something you should, remember that the mind often exaggerates the difficulty. The hardest part is simply getting started. You’ll be grateful later because the struggle fades, while the sense of accomplishment endures.

When it gets difficult, encourage yourself through your challenges and recognize your progress. Each step forward is a victory, a tangible sign that you are becoming the person you aspire to be.

Types of Discipline

  • Focus: Directing your attention to one task without distractions.

  • Completing Tasks: Finishing what you start, even when motivation fades.

  • Organization: Keeping your space, schedule, and priorities in order to stay productive.

Meditation:

Imagine yourself climbing a mountain. You might doubt yourself in the beginning, but you know that when you reach the top, you will feel different about the journey.

Tell yourself, “This might be hard now, but I will not regret it.”

 

The Principles of Progress

There are many principles that come together to strengthen your discipline and restraint. They have been hinted at so far, but here is a more detailed explanation.

  1. Know your rational self-interest

    Rather than putting a lot of importance on how things feel at first, consider what you how you feel about it later. Sometimes you have to resist desires that will lead to regret, and discipline to make choices you’ll feel good about later.

  2. Assume it can be done

    Operate with the mindset that solutions exist and you’re capable of finding them. Just because you’ve failed before doesn’t mean you can’t find a winning strategy and gradually develop the strength to succeed with it.

  3. Take care of your health and well-being

    It takes strength and resolve to practice self-control. Take care of yourself so that you’re prepared for the challenges ahead.

  4. Manage your environment

    Set yourself up for success by shaping your surroundings. Remove distractions, surround yourself with the right people, and make good choices easy.

  5. Focus on your choices

    Don’t wish your emotions or desires would go away. Instead, remind yourself: “It’s okay to feel this way, but it doesn’t have to determine how I think or act.” Know when to be on guard, and when to relax. Your power to avoid bad habits lies in your choices.

  6. Learn from your mistakes

    Anyone can claim they want to fix their habits, but not everyone understands what is required. Among those who do, not everyone is willing to do what it takes. But you’re different. You understand this will be challenging, and you’re committed to the process. Even when you make mistakes, you don’t give up. You get back up, learn from the experience, and improve your stance.

  7. Encourage yourself and celebrate your progress

    Be your own coach, not your harshest critic. Self-compassion will give you the emotional support you need to stay strong. Review your choices at the end of the day, celebrating each small victory. Acknowledging the good in yourself can make it easier to show up again tomorrow. Whether you’ve been free from a habit for one day or one year, every step is a victory. So count your effort and not just the results. You’re not missing out.

Applied Philosophy: This is Your Mission

We live in a universe that naturally rewards discipline and restraint. By cultivating these virtues, you will be more trustworthy for the people you love, succeed in life, and feel proud of who you are.

But the modern, materialistic society is designed to make you do the opposite—to keep you dissatisfied, impulsive, and shallow. Advertisements, distractions, and quick pleasures all pull you away from your higher purpose.

The following is a practical routine you can follow to rise above the noise, the traffic, and the digital feed.

In the morning, reflect on your purpose and imagine conquering your challenges.

Life is full of challenges, and you can’t control everything that happens to you. However, you can control your attitude and choices. Marcus Aurelius, the Emperor of Rome, had this wisdom in mind when he designed his morning routine. With countless unpredictable factors involved in running an empire, it wasn’t practical for him to depend on rigid plans and schedules. He needed something quick and effective. Therefore, every morning he engaged in a simple practice to mentally prepare himself for the day ahead. Sometimes, he even put this practice into writing. We find this example in his personal journal:

“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: the people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly. They are like this because they can’t tell good from bad. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own - not of the same blood and birth, but the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine. And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him. We were born to work together like feet, hands and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are unnatural.”

Although you might not have an empire to manage, life can still be complicated and unpredictable. You’ll encounter all sorts of challenging people and situations. To prepare yourself for the day, take a few minutes to ask yourself these questions:

  • What is my purpose today?

  • What challenges might I face?

  • Who do I want to be as I face those challenges?

Many morning routines aim to make you feel nice, but this feeling can be hard to maintain throughout the day. When you become attached too attached to feeling nice, it creates resistance to the challenges of the day. These questions, on the other hand, help you to prepare for challenges, rather than expecting everything to go smoothly. Whether you have many activities in your morning routine or just this one, ensure that you’re not avoiding reality, but preparing to be the hero you’re meant to be.

Do the hard things first

Start your day with small, intentional challenges that push you slightly outside of your comfort zone. By tackling the most difficult tasks first, you set the tone for the rest of the day, building momentum and strengthening your ability to handle unexpected challenges later on. These small acts of discipline not only help you to overcome procrastination but right from the start, they give you a sense of accomplishment.

Before sleep, reflect back on your day

Each night, take a few moments to reflect on the choices you made today, celebrating moments you did your best while also reflecting on moments when you could have honestly done better. This isn’t about criticizing yourself for anything short of perfection but learning from your experiences because you care about your integrity and well-being. It’s an opportunity to examine your actions with honesty, sincerity, and self-compassion. Ask yourself:

  • What were some moments today when I handle challenges with integrity?

  • What were some moments today I could have honestly done better?

  • Based on what I’ve learned from these experiences, how would I like to handle tomorrow?

By reviewing your progress daily, you strengthen your self-awareness and build a clearer understanding of where you’re succeeding and where you need more effort. As Marcus Aurelius did thousands of years ago, you can build a deeper sense of meaning in life today by reflecting on your values and encouraging yourself to keep trying to stay on track.

Regularly meet with a mentor

In addition to your nightly self-review, seek feedback and guidance from a trusted mentor. Even Hercules met with the Oracle of Delphi for guidance. Whether it’s once a week or once a month, sit down to review your progress with someone whose perspective you value. This provides accountability, offers constructive feedback, and allows you to see things from a fresh angle. Regular reviews keep you focused on your long-term goals while helping you manage the challenges of everyday life with a sense of purpose and resilience.

Thanks for reading!

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  • Judgment-Free Support—no criticism, only understanding and encouragement.

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Take the next step toward the life you’re meant to live. Let’s strengthen your wings together.

How to be Peaceful and Happy

Emotions are Caused by How You Think

Emotional disturbance can be such a destructive force in your life. Conflicts with your family spiral out of control, leaving your mind completely disturbed with resentment, anxiety, or guilt. It’s so hard to be focused or disciplined in your habits. You might develop feelings of shame because of what you said or did out of anger.

It seems like your feelings are caused by what people say or do. Some jerk cuts you off in traffic, and you’re instantly furious. A friend surprises you with a thoughtful gift, and you’re filled with gratitude. A stranger walking toward you late at night gives you a wave of unease. It feels automatic—as soon as something significant happens, your emotions spring to life.

The problem is that you start to feel helpless to manage your own life. How can you find peace of mind when others keep making you angry or anxious? How can you make good choices when your emotions are so easily influenced by what someone else does? It starts to seem like peace is impossible until others change. And since you can’t control what other people do, you end up feeling like you can’t fully control yourself, either.

But thousands of years ago, a Stoic philosopher named Epictetus said:

“What disturbs people’s minds is not anything that happens, but their judgements about those events.”

It’s a counterintuitive idea. But modern psychology agrees. In fact, the system of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), one of the most effective tools for managing emotions and behavior, is built on this very principle. It’s not the events themselves that upset us, but the meaning we give to them.

In the words of Albert Ellis, the psychologist who built an early version of CBT:

“As Epictetus pointed out two thousands years ago, although you do have considerable power to change and control yourself, you rarely can control the behavior of others. No matter how wisely you may counsel people, they are independent persons and may - and, indeed, have the right to - ignore you completely. If, therefore, you unduly arouse yourself over the way others act, instead of taking responsibility for how you respond to them, you often will upset yourself over an uncontrollable event.”

 

Peace of Mind is in Your Grasp

In psychology, the idea that emotions are caused by how you think is called the cognitive model of emotion. This model is also found in ancient wisdom traditions like Stoicism and Vaishnavism. But what is the significance of this idea anyway?

By recognizing that your emotions are caused by your own mind, you can reclaim power over them. After all, you have more influence over your thoughts than the world around you or other people’s choices. By focusing where your power naturally lies, there’s suddenly hope for peace in your life without being overly dependent on others.

Attachment to controlling what you cannot control has the opposite effect. It makes you frustrated and disempowered. When you blame external events or other people for making you feel the way you do, you give them power to control you. If they choose to, they can use this power to make you dance to their rhythm. Sometimes children learn what makes their parents get angry and do it on purpose. Just look at any time in human history, and you will find many instances where smart people were lured into traps because they let their enemies pull their heart strings. That’s why true power is power over yourself, regardless of what other people do.

When you own your feelings, you reclaim your strength and become the author of your life. The only reason you wouldn’t want to take control of your emotions, therefore, is if you enjoy the drama of blaming others, which enables you to relish the spotlight, feel sorry for yourself, and stew the righteous indignation of moral superiority. But drama can only entertain you for so long. It never heals the past or empowers you for a better future. At some point, you have to decide whether you want to be free, or an actor in someone else’s script.

 

Proof and Examples

It might be empowering to take control of your emotions, but how do you know that they’re really caused by how you think? When they arise the moment something happens, doesn’t that mean that whatever happened is the cause?

The are many proofs that our emotions are caused by how we think. But the best one is how different people have different reactions to the same event. In fact, even you can have entirely different feelings about the same event based on your attitude or expectations.

Here are three examples (culminating in the ultimate example):

1: You and your brother text a mutual friend, but after three days, he hasn’t responded.

You feel angry because you you’ve done so much for him, and you think that the least he can do is text you back.

Meanwhile, your brother feels anxious. He thinks he must have done something wrong that offended your friend.

If the lack of response determined your emotions, then you and your brother would both feel the same way. But because you think differently, you’re angry while he’s anxious.

2: When you were younger, you used to have intense feelings of shame when adults corrected you.

But a few decades later, you’ve learned to take feedback on its own merit. You ignore it when it doesn’t apply, and improve yourself when it does.

It’s still uncomfortable sometimes, but criticism no longer makes you want to avoid people completely for weeks at a time.

The Ultimate Example

3: The ultimate example is death. If external events determined how we feel, then death would make everyone feel afraid. But when Socrates was wrongly sentenced to death, for example, he told the jury, “The hour of departure has arrived, and we go our separate ways, I to die, and you to live. Which of these two is better only God knows.” The end is the same for everyone, but how you meet it is up to you. It’s only by controlling how you think about things that it’s possible to become fearless.

What we learn from these three examples is that correlation isn’t causation; just because you immediately have an emotion after someone does something, doesn’t necessarily mean that they made you feel that way. Rather, it’s actually an illusion to think that other people, or anything that happens in the world, controls our emotions. It’s really caused by the way we think.

 

Adjusting Your Mind to reality

The mind flows in two directions—attachment and aversion. There are some things we want (attachment), and we feel pleased when we get them. This is the cause of emotions like excitement, or satisfaction, or comfort. There are also things we want to avoid (aversion), and we feel bothered when can’t. Feelings like fear, disgust, or anger come from getting not getting what you want. Even the intensity of these feelings is determined by how strongly you want something.

The crazy thing, though, is that our attachments aren’t always based on the true value of the object or outcome we want. A child might grab a knife and then cry when it’s taken away. Later the same child discovers where the knife was placed. But he doesn’t care that it’s still out of reach because he wants something else now. It’s not the object, but his fickle desires that cause a tantrum in one instance, when he doesn’t get what he wants, and indifference in another, when he no longer desires the knife.

We often form attachments to things that aren’t good for us, and then suffer needlessly when we don’t get them. You might be devastated over a breakup that, years later, you realize was a blessing in disguise since you found someone much better. You might hate your family for putting you into rehab, when it’s exactly what you need to stop poisoning yourself and letting everyone else down. Just because we’re disappointed or angry doesn’t necessarily mean that what we wanted was actually right.

Our thoughts, feelings, and desires aren’t as important as they seem to be. Some impressions are worth turning into beliefs, and some ideas are worth putting into action. But others are downright bad for you—like a knife in a child’s hand. As an adult, you have the power to judge your desires on their own merit, and choose what’s good for you rather than simply acting on whims. You also have the power to maintain your composure when things don’t work out like you wanted. You don’t have to completely abandon your likes or dislikes, or let people walk all over you. You can still be ambitious and have healthy boundaries. But whatever you do, you must always be ready to accept reality. Other people make their own choices. The world is going to do what the world is going to do. Ultimately, you can only control how you think and what you do. Fighting against reality is always a losing battle.

Dos

  • Remember that people act according to what they think is best.

  • Remember that it takes flexibility, strategy, and perseverance to pursue what you want when there are obstacles.

  • Consider that your entire life is just one perspective of countless others.

Do not

  • Take it personally when people don’t do what you think is best.

  • Be so attached to what you want that you lose your composure when things don’t go your way.

  • Act like your perspective is the only way of seeing things.

 

How King Prithu Adjusted to Reality

Once there was a King named Prithu. He wanted to perform 100 sacrifices to honor the gods and bring prosperity to his people. But after he had completed 99 sacrifices, the god of rain, Indra, felt threatened by the kings rising power. Falsely disguising himself as a monk, Indra distracted Prithu and then stole the sacrificial animal. Prithu’s son chased him, and Indra let the horse go out of fear. But later, he came back at night to sabotage the sacrifice again.

Because of his culture, Prithu’s son was reluctant to arrest and punish someone even dressed as a monk. But if he didn’t do anything, then Indra could continue to disrupt their religious performances. Prithu, meanwhile, was furious and wanted to put the cheater in his place. But at that moment, the god Brahma appeared to him and said:

“My dear King, do not be agitated and anxious because your sacrifices have not been properly executed due to providential impediments. Kindly take my words with great respect. We should always remember that if something happens by providential arrangement, we should not be very upset. The more we try to rectify such reversals, the more we enter into the darkest region of materialistic thought.” — Bhagavata Purana 4.19.34

Prithu could have fought fire with fire, justifying revenge by characterizing Indra as a fraud and himself as a righteous king. He could have killed him. But killing Indra would have defeated the whole purpose of these sacrifices, and degraded himself to the level of his enemy.

Prithu settled for 99.

This is an excellent example. Self-absorbed people blame others when they don’t get what they want. More mature people notice when they’re getting too attached to outcomes beyond their control, or losing their tempers. They blame themselves for the mistake and work to restore their equilibrium. A master, however, has no one to blame because he never makes the mistake of expecting the impossible. He works within the limitations of what he can control, doing what he can, and leaving the rest to providence.

 

Happiness Is An Attitude

The mind is so powerful that it can create intense emotions without anything actually happening. In fact, you experience this whenever you have a nightmare. A tiger is chasing you and you wake up in a sweat. Dreams seem real because you’re so absorbed in them that you don’t notice the difference between imagination and reality. Similarly, we can get so absorbed in our thoughts during the day that we mistake them for actual reality. This can cause all sorts of unpleasant emotions. The wisdom texts say:

“The mind is the root cause of lust, anger, pride, greed, lamentation, illusion and fear. Combined, these constitute the cause of entanglement in this material world. What wise person would put trust in the mind?” — Shrimad Bhagavatam 5.6.5

The mind has the power to control your emotions. The good news is that you can harness this power to think in a way that makes you happy. Just like external events can’t make you feel angry, they also can’t make you feel happy. You might have it all and still be unsatisfied. Happiness, therefore, is ultimately an attitude, and you can adopt at any time.

Imagine there is a power outage in your city, for example. The neighbors complain while you and your family watch the stars, tell stories under candlelight, and make it a memorable night. The secret to happiness is to interpret everything that happens in a generous way and find the opportunity in every event. Therefore, stop waiting for things to be perfect before you can feel peaceful or happy. Emotional freedom isn’t something that live gives you, it’s something you create, even amidst the uncertainties of life.

Thanks for reading!

These are powerful ideas, but the real transformation happens when you start integrating them into your life. This can be challenging when you’re used to doing thing in the opposite way! It takes an outside perspective to help you uncover the subconscious beliefs that keep you stuck, and create tension in your mind, home, and life.

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