How to be Peaceful and Happy

By Damodar Roe

Emotions are Caused by How You Think

Emotional disturbance can be such a destructive force in your life. Conflicts with your family spiral out of control, leaving your mind completely disturbed with resentment, anxiety, or guilt. It’s so hard to be focused or disciplined in your habits. You might develop feelings of shame because of what you said or did out of anger.

It seems like your feelings are caused by what people say or do. Some jerk cuts you off in traffic, and you’re instantly furious. A friend surprises you with a thoughtful gift, and you’re filled with gratitude. A stranger walking toward you late at night gives you a wave of unease. It feels automatic—as soon as something significant happens, your emotions spring to life.

The problem is that you start to feel helpless in managing your own life. How can you find peace of mind when others keep making you angry or anxious? How can you make good choices when your emotions are so easily influenced by what someone else does? It starts to seem like peace is impossible until others change. And since you can’t control what other people do, you end up feeling like you can’t fully control yourself, either.

But thousands of years ago, a Stoic philosopher named Epictetus said:

“What disturbs people’s minds is not anything that happens, but their judgements about those events.”

It’s a counterintuitive idea. But modern psychology agrees. In fact, the system of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), one of the most effective tools for managing emotions and behavior, is built on this very principle. It’s not the events themselves that upset us, but the meaning we give to them.

In the words of Albert Ellis, the psychologist who built an early version of CBT:

“As Epictetus pointed out two thousands years ago, although you do have considerable power to change and control yourself, you rarely can control the behavior of others. No matter how wisely you may counsel people, they are independent persons and may - and, indeed, have the right to - ignore you completely. If, therefore, you unduly arouse yourself over the way others act, instead of taking responsibility for how you respond to them, you often will upset yourself over an uncontrollable event.”

How to Reclaim Your Peace of Mind

In psychology, the idea that emotions are caused by how you think is called the cognitive model of emotion. This model is also found in ancient wisdom traditions like Stoicism and Vaishnavism. But what is the significance of this idea anyway?

By recognizing that your emotions are caused by your own mind, you can reclaim power over them. After all, you have more influence over your thoughts than the world around you or other people’s choices. By focusing where your power naturally lies, there’s suddenly hope for peace in your life without being overly dependent on others.

Trying to control the uncontrollable has the opposite effect. It makes you frustrated and disempowered. When you blame external events or other people for making you feel the way you do, you give them power to control you. If they choose to, they can use this power to make you dance to their rhythm. Sometimes children learn what makes their parents get angry and do it on purpose. Just look at any time in human history, and you will find many instances where smart people were lured into traps because they let their enemies pull their heart strings. That’s why true power is power over yourself, regardless of what other people do.

When you own your feelings, you reclaim your strength and become the author of your life. The only reason you wouldn’t want to take control of your emotions, therefore, is if you enjoy the drama of blaming others, which enables you to relish the spotlight, feel sorry for yourself, and stew the righteous indignation of moral superiority. But drama can only entertain you for so long. It never heals the past or empowers you for a better future. At some point, you have to decide whether you want to be free, or an actor in someone else’s script.

Proof and Examples

It might be empowering to take control of your emotions, but how do you know that they’re really caused by how you think? When they arise the moment something happens, doesn’t that mean that whatever happened is the cause?

There are many proofs that our emotions are caused by how we think. But the best one is how different people have different reactions to the same event. In fact, even you can have entirely different feelings about the same event based on your attitude or expectations.

Here are three examples (culminating in the ultimate example):

1: You and your brother text a mutual friend, but after three days, he hasn’t responded.

You feel angry because you’ve done so much for him, and you think that the least he can do is text you back.

Meanwhile, your brother feels anxious. He thinks he must have done something wrong that offended your friend.

If the lack of response determined your emotions, then you and your brother would both feel the same way. But because you think differently, you’re angry while he’s anxious.

2: When you were younger, you used to have intense feelings of shame when adults corrected you.

But a few decades later, you’ve learned to take feedback on its own merit. You ignore it when it doesn’t apply, and improve yourself when it does.

It’s still uncomfortable sometimes, but criticism no longer makes you want to avoid people completely for weeks at a time.

The Ultimate Example

3: The ultimate example is death. If external events determined how we feel, then death would make everyone feel afraid. But when Socrates was wrongly sentenced to death, for example, he told the jury, “The hour of departure has arrived, and we go our separate ways, I to die, and you to live. Which of these two is better only God knows.” The end is the same for everyone, but how you meet it is up to you. It’s only by controlling how you think about things that it’s possible to become fearless.

What we learn from these three examples is that correlation isn’t causation; just because you have an emotion immediately after someone does something, doesn’t mean they made you feel that way. It’s just an illusion. Your emotions are caused by how you think.

Embrace Reality to Master Your Emotions

The mind flows in two directions—attachment and aversion. There are some things we want (attachment), and we feel pleased when we get them. This is the cause of emotions like excitement, or satisfaction, or comfort. There are also things we want to avoid (aversion), and we feel bothered when can’t. Feelings like fear, disgust, or anger come from not getting what you want. Even the intensity of these feelings is determined by how strongly you want something.

The crazy thing, though, is that our attachments aren’t always based on the true value of the object or outcome we want. A child might grab a knife and then cry when it’s taken away. Later the same child discovers where the knife was placed. But he doesn’t care that it’s still out of reach because he wants something else now. It’s not the object, but his fickle desires that cause a tantrum in one instance, when he doesn’t get what he wants, and indifference in another, when he no longer desires the knife.

We often form attachments to things that aren’t good for us, and then suffer needlessly when we don’t get them. You might be devastated over a breakup that, years later, you realize was a blessing in disguise since you found someone much better. You might hate your family for putting you into rehab, when it’s exactly what you need to stop poisoning yourself and letting everyone else down. Just because we’re disappointed or angry doesn’t necessarily mean that what we wanted was actually right.

Our thoughts, feelings, and desires aren’t as important as they seem to be. Some impressions are worth turning into beliefs, and some ideas are worth putting into action. But others are downright bad for you—like a knife in a child’s hand. As an adult, you have the power to judge your desires on their own merit, and choose what’s good for you rather than simply acting on whims. You also have the power to maintain your composure when things don’t work out like you wanted. You don’t have to completely abandon your likes or dislikes, or let people walk all over you. You can still be ambitious and have healthy boundaries. But whatever you do, you must always be ready to accept reality. Other people make their own choices. The world is going to do what the world is going to do. Ultimately, you can only control how you think and what you do. Fighting against reality is always a losing battle.

Dos

Remember that people act according to what they think is best.
Remember that it takes flexibility, strategy, and perseverance to pursue what you want when there are obstacles.
Consider that your entire life is just one perspective of countless others.

Do not

Take it personally when people don’t do what you think is best.
Be so attached to what you want that you lose your composure when things don’t go your way.
Act like your perspective is the only way of seeing things.

How King Prithu Adjusted to Reality

Once there was a king named Prithu who set out to perform 100 great sacrifices to bring prosperity to his people. He was determined, disciplined, and doing something he truly believed was right. But after completing 99 sacrifices, Indra, the king of heaven, started feeling insecure. He didn’t want anyone to surpass him.

So, disguised as a monk, Indra distracted Prithu, stole the sacrificial horse, and ran off. Prithu’s son chased after him, but Indra let the horse go as he ran away. It didn’t stop there, though—Indra returned later, still in disguise, to sabotage the ceremony again.

Prithu’s son hesitated. He knew Indra was in the wrong, but culturally, attacking someone dressed as a monk felt dishonorable. Meanwhile, Prithu was enraged. This was about justice. He wanted to show Indra that cheating had consequences. But just as Prithu was about to act, the god Brahma appeared and said:

“Do not be agitated and anxious because your sacrifices have not been properly executed due to providential impediments. Remember, if something happens by providence, we should not be overly upset. The more we try to forcefully fix such reversals, the more we entangle ourselves in frustration and darkness.”

Prithu faced a choice: fight back and risk destroying everything he was working toward, or let go, accept the setback, and settle for 99. In the end, Prithu chose the latter. He realized that if he gave in to anger and revenge, he’d only lower himself to Indra’s level—and that wasn’t worth it.

This story has a powerful lesson. Even when your goals are noble and your efforts are genuine, life will throw curveballs. You’ll face people or situations that feel unfair, and it’s easy to get caught up in blame or frustration.

Think about it: Have you ever poured your heart into a project, a relationship, or a goal, only to see things unravel because of something outside your control? Maybe someone undermined your efforts, or unexpected setbacks got in the way. In those moments, the natural instinct is “fix” things. But sometimes, fighting harder just makes the situation worse.

Epictetus gives us of three levels of maturity:

Immature people blame circumstances or others when things don’t go their way.
More mature people recognize when they’re too attached to outcomes and take responsibility for their emotional reactions.
The master doesn’t blame anyone—not others, not himself. He doesn’t expect perfection or absolute control. Instead, he does what he can and leaves the rest to forces beyond him.

The lesson here isn’t about giving up—it’s about knowing when to let go. Some battles cost more than they’re worth. Sometimes, settling for 99 is not a failure but wisdom in action.

Happiness Is An Attitude

The mind is so powerful that it can create intense emotions without anything actually happening. In fact, you experience this whenever you have a nightmare. A tiger is chasing you and you wake up in a sweat. Dreams seem real because you’re so absorbed in them that you don’t notice the difference between imagination and reality. Similarly, we can get so absorbed in our thoughts during the day that we mistake them for actual reality. This can cause all sorts of unpleasant emotions. The wisdom texts say:

“The mind is the root cause of lust, anger, pride, greed, lamentation, illusion and fear. Combined, these constitute the cause of entanglement in this material world. What wise person would put trust in the mind?” — Shrimad Bhagavatam 5.6.5

The mind has the power to control your emotions. The good news is that you can harness this power to think in a way that makes you happy. Just like external events can’t make you feel angry, they also can’t make you feel happy. You might have it all and still be unsatisfied. Happiness, therefore, is ultimately an attitude, and you can adopt at any time.

Imagine there is a power outage in your city, for example. The neighbors complain while you and your family watch the stars, connect over a deep conversation, and make it a memorable night. The secret to happiness is to interpret everything that happens in a generous way and find the opportunity in every event. Therefore, stop waiting for things to be perfect before you can feel peaceful or happy. Emotional freedom isn’t something that live gives you, it’s something you create, even amidst the uncertainties of life.