“Indeed one cannot earn love; love is not a reward, but a blessing.” – Viktor Frankl
“You must love in a way where the person you love feels free.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
Outgrowing Desperation
Think back to your first heart-break. You poured your heart out to this one special person. But then the relationship fell apart. You were devastated and couldn’t think of anything besides that person. There was a heavy cloud blurring your mind, along with this sinking feeling in your chest and gut. It felt so wrong. You reached out to friends that you had been neglecting ever since you fell in love, and there was some relief while venting to them. But as soon as the conversation was over, the feeling of grief came flooding back in. You contemplated over and over every moment you shared together, picking it apart, and felt the absence of that person in whom you had intimated your most deep, precious, and intimate hopes and feelings. Somehow, it was like your very soul had been crushed and damaged.
Love means giving yourself to another person. But what value do you place on the self you're giving? Unavoidably, your approach to relationships will communicate your sense of self-worth. It also communicates how much you value the person you choose be with. If you're not satisfied with the relationships you’ve had so far, there’s an opportunity to earn a higher maturity status than you ever have before — treating yourself as someone of value, conducting yourself in a way that implicitly communicates that, and also treating your partner with the same quality of respect.
But you must get out of the mindset of desperation. Desperation comes from beliefs that you’re not necessarily aware of, but nonetheless influence your behavior. To become aware of them you can ask yourself, “When I start feeling desperate, and acting that way, what are the underlying beliefs that I’m acting on? What conditions do I place on believing that I’m loveworthy and good enough?”
You'll discover you're thinking something like this:
“I’m only loveable IF…
…I achieve amazing things.”
…I don't show any weakness.”
…I offer her grand gestures, promises, or gifts.”
…I sacrifice my emotional stability.”
…I tolerate only one of us having the maturity of an adult in the relationship.”
…I plead for us to stay together.”
(And so on).
The test that you’ve outgrown this mindset of desperation is when you responsibility for your own needs and growth without the need to prove anything. In essence, as you develop your own life and character, and you’re not doing it mainly for anyone else’s attention, validation, love, or respect. Of course, you’re looking to find someone, but you also have a conviction that whether you’re single, in a relationship, married, divorced, or whatever, you’ll be OK. You choose to invest in yourself simply because you believe that your life is a valuable opportunity, and you want to make the most out of it that you can. The life that you create for yourself is enough to be satisfied, and if a special someone wants to share theirs with you, then that’s a welcome bonus. But you also know that you can’t pour from an empty cup. So, loving yourself for its own sake is the only healthy foundation for having generous relationships with others.
Never do these things
The following are some actions which communicate desperation. When you choose to conduct yourself with self-respect, then acting in any of the following ways will be a deviation from your integrity. And you cannot have a sustainable relationship when you’re acting desperate anyway, so it’s ultimately self-sabotaging to even try any of the following.
Never obsess about a prospect who isn’t showing mutual interest in you. Only give your heart to someone who wants it.
Never begin a relationship with someone who has betrayed someone else to be with you.
Never continue to send messages to someone who doesn’t respond. The ball is in their court.
Never continue intensive, emotional, or high-stakes conversations over text or email. Rather, use these tools to arrange talking in person, or by phone/video.
Never act creepy by entering their personal space in a way they dislike.
Never abandon your loved ones, or completely ignore their feedback, because you’re madly in love.
Never make important decisions when you’re in a highly emotional or turbulent state.
Never compromise your integrity or values trying to make someone like you.
Never commit to someone you can’t be yourself with, or maintain a relationship at the cost of hiding your true thoughts and feelings.
Never use costly gifts or grand gestures to compensate for a lack of self-confidence. You are the best gift you can give, especially when you’re continually improving yourself for its own sake.
Never people-please or suck up hoping to make her like you. She’s meant to be your partner, not your teacher or role model.
Never continue to hold hopes for someone who has friend-zoned, rejected, or betrayed you.
Never try to use your care and affection to “fix” someone who is unstable, crazy, violent, or self-harming.
Outgrowing Exploitation
Physical attraction is necessary to be more than friends. That is, sexual attraction. Unless you don’t mind being celibate even within in a monogamous relationship, then you’d better:
Want to have sex with your partner.
Embrace the sacrifice of directing all of your lust towards that one person.
Love is not merely skin deep, and neither are our needs for intimacy. There are many levels to the self — we all have physical, mental, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual aspects to ourselves. And you need intimacy on multiple levels to feel fulfilled in the relationship.
There is also a hierarchy to these various levels to the self. The matter that constitutes our bodies is the same matter that makes up lifeless objects, like chairs or tables. Superior to gross matter are the senses that we perceive the world with. Superior to the senses is the mind, which processes all the information they collect. Superior to the mind though is the intelligence, because the mind cannot distinguish truth from falsehood like the intelligence can. Superior to the intelligence is the heart, because the intelligence doesn’t have depth that our hearts do. But consciousness is supreme above all because without consciousness, there is no living force to experience or animate the heart, intelligence, mind, or senses.
We’re missing out on deeper experiences when we limit our desires for intimacy to sensual attraction and casual sex. When we’re in this mode of being, we just use other people like objects for our own gratification. We value only the superficial. We seek to enjoy the body without caring about the person living inside the body. It’s selfish. And you can’t find love or intimacy by treating other people like objects. Therefore, considering that you need more than an object as a partner, exploitation is self-defeating and sure to lead to frustration.
Of course, you can’t get all your needs and desires met by just one person. But you can find a lot of connection with the right person, at the right time, and circumstances. If you value the various aspects of yourself - like your health, education, vales, feelings, and spirituality - then you won’t be satisfied with a something that’s merely sexual. Rather, you’ll seek a suitable partner in life, and also have rich friendships, community, mentorships, and family life.
In summary, sexual attraction for your partner is necessary, but you need more than that to be satisfied in the relationship. Exploitation of other people for your own enjoyment, like prostitution, one-night-stands, affairs, and so on, might seem appealing when you’re not respecting yourself, but they’re ultimately self-defeating and lead to frustration. You get a little momentary pleasure followed by a lot of guilt and loneliness. And if giving up exploitation still feels like a loss, then it means your values aren’t aligned with your own best interest yet.
Never do these things
A person with self-respect seeks a relationship with trust and intimacy on several levels. Knowing that’s what we truly need, we give up the temptation to settle for anything less than that. That means you will:
Never let yourself become influenced by people, even friends or family, in a way that goes against your values.
Never consent to do something you know you’ll regret later.
Never use another person as a means for your own selfish gratification by having sex when you don’t share mutual trust and commitment.
Never settle for dead-end relationships, friends with benefits, one-night stands, prostitution, affairs, pornography, and so on.
Never cultivate flirtation or have sexual intimacy with someone else’s girlfriend or wife.
Never pretend, deceive, or lie with the intention to sexually enjoy another person who otherwise would not consent.
Never take advantage of someone’s naiveté or immaturity.
Never lead someone on when they’re attached to you, but you don't feel the same way.
Never threaten or use violence apart from unavoidable self-defense.
Making these commitments is an opportunity to develop the strength and character we need to have stable family lives. Often the appeal to dabble in these things comes from the wounds of our own unstable family of origin. These habits of sexual exploitation are actually ways we've learned to escape stress or pain. On the deepest level, they’re confused strategies to find love which are twisted by deep insecurities and fear. We don’t know or believe we can do any better, so we compromise.
Healing comes from first respecting ourselves, and then giving to others what we needed, but didn’t get growing up. To do this, we need to cultivate our capacity not to become bewildered by the allures of exploitation in any of the above-mentioned forms. It’s only difficult to maintain our composure if we place more value on superficial appearances of other people than we do our own hearts. But when we wake up to an awareness of how valuable human life is, then we‘ll value our own selves as well as the self of our partner. We’ll think, “These are my senses, my mind, my heart, my intelligence, and my consciousness. I want love, and I should be able to control myself to get what I want. I won’t allow the illusions of materialism to make me settle for less than that. I want to love someone like I love myself, and be loved like they love themselves, too.”
The Abundance Radar & Self-Esteem Signal
We all have a radar that we use to spot prospective partners. But not all radars are equally effective in finding a suitable partner. When we operate from a mindset of inadequacy or self-doubt, believing there's a scarcity of people who would actually accept us, then we tend to compromise our self-love, hoping to get a cheaper version of something we think we don’t deserve. We make mistakes like ignoring red-flags, or being physically intimate before we’re ready.
The best radar is an abundance mindset. You have the rest of your life to figure out what you want, prepare yourself to for it, and then find it. There are literally millions of potential partners out there. And you can take as much time as you need to find the one for you.
Considering someone who isn’t a good match for you, someone who dumped you, or someone who treats you like crap, are some signs that your radar is weak. It’s not worth it to sell your dignity for love. You end up getting neither dignity nor love. But when you value your own heart, then you’re careful who you give it to. You’re willing to wait to find someone who will honor your heart like you do – and not someone who discounts it, or throws it away.
The self-esteem signal is:
Taking responsibility for your own happiness regardless of your relationship status.
Seeking clarity about what you want and don’t want in a relationship.
A willingness to wait for what you desire, and walking away from anything less than that.
When you have this signal, you’re far more attractive to potential partners have something to offer, the same way that you do. At the same time, it will polarize people who aren’t mature to have a healthy relationship yet. If someone objects to healthy ways of conducting yourself that you’ve committed yourself to, then keep them anyway and let them either upgrade or move on.
Self-Coaching Journal Prompts
Decide What You Want
Along with the abundance radar and self-esteem signal, we need an aim to refine our potentials down to one good choice. This aim is established by knowing what you want.
Make a list of the names of every person you can think of whom you’ve ever been attracted to, or currently are attracted to.
Next to their name, write down everything you currently find attractive about them. If you no longer find them attractive, then scratch out their name.
One you're done, scratch out all the names.
Now take the list of things you find attractive, and prioritize them into levels #1, #2, and #3. #1 is non-negotiable. #2 is important but negotiable. #3 is a matter of preference that isn’t important. Put each quality you find attractive next to one of these numbers. Of course, there will be several things next to each number.
First Deserve, then Desire
The title of this article is Become Solid, Find Love. There is an obvious problem with finding love before you become solid yourself. This might sound contradictory to the idea that you should only work on yourself for its own sake. But there’s a big difference between working on yourself so you’re ready for a healthy relationship, and trying to change yourself to gain the acceptance of a particular person.
When one or both of you aren’t solid in your own right, then neither is the relationship. What happens is that while you’re trying to decide whether this is the right person for you or not, simultaneously you’re struggling with a lot of insecurities that obscure the potential of the relationship. You’re not able to decide whether to go exclusive, break up, get engaged, or take a break, because even though you like the person, the relationship isn’t stable. You’re not able to foresee a future together. And since you’re not sure what it would be like long-term, there’s no way to decide if that’s what you want. What ends up happening is a lot of confusing back-and-forth decision-making, staggered break-ups, or rushed self-improvement to qualify yourself.
My advice is this: Before you look for the person you described in the previous five steps, first ask yourself the following questions:
“What are the qualities that I have which qualify me as a potential partner for the caliber of person I want? What qualities do I genuinely want to develop? What can I do to better prepare myself for a successful relationship?”
“How ready am I to be a trustworthy, dependable partner? How could I improve in this regard?”
“How well do I have my life together? How could I improve in this regard?”
“How well do I know what I want in life? What questions do I need to deliberate on to become clearer about that?”
“What kind of relationship dynamic and living situation do I want to co-create between me and my future partner, both immediately, and in the long-term? Who are some role models of the quality of relationship I want to emulate?”
Focus on Your Purpose
Focus on your purpose. You have your job, home, health, relationships, and so on. And it’s likely that you are still prone to many of the tendencies mentioned above under the category of ‘NEVER DO’. That’s OK. As long as you accept in principle that these tendencies aren’t in your ultimate favor, then you still have time and space to get there. But if you’re going to get yourself together as someone who is ready to be a trustworthy partner, then you have plenty of work to do. So focus on your purpose. Cultivate the conviction that if you prioritize the journey of working on yourself, then however long it takes, you will get everything you want, need, and even more than you expected.
There will be tests. If you find yourself bewildered by women (or men) who aren’t right for you, or before you’re ready, then remind yourself that you’re valuable, and you don’t want to spoil that. When you value what you have to offer, then you'll think and act confidently. You’ll be patient enough to wait for the right person and the right time.
After all, your mind, words, and senses are your own to control, and no one else. So take back your power by remembering who you are and acting according to your own values. The ability to maintain your composure in any situation, and not let yourself be bewildered by temptations to do things you shouldn’t, or aversion to do what you should, will be indispensable later, when you are with someone - because you’ll face the same challenges even when after you find your special someone.
Go For It
If you’re investing in your own growth from a place of self-love, then you’ll be more attractive automatically. But this doesn’t guarantee you’ll be attractive to everyone. Remember: Confidence doesn’t mean that you’re sure what will happen if you put yourself out there by talking with someone you like. Confidence means that whether they reciprocate or not, you know that life will go on and you’ll be OK. With this confidence, you can interact with prospects you’re interested in, and look for signs they might be interested in you, too.
The following are some signs of interest:
Extended Eye Contact: If she maintains eye contact with you for longer than usual, it could be a sign of interest.
Smiling and Laughing: Genuine smiles and laughter in your presence often indicate she enjoys your company.
Initiating Conversation: If she starts conversations with you frequently, it’s a good sign she wants to engage with you.
Body Language: Positive body language such as facing towards you, leaning in, or mirroring your movements can suggest interest.
Touches or Physical Contact: Light touches on your arm or shoulder can be a subtle way of expressing interest.
Asking Personal Questions: Showing curiosity about your life, interests, and opinions indicates she wants to get to know you better.
Remembering Details: If she remembers details about your conversations and brings them up later, it shows she’s paying attention and values what you say.
Compliments: Genuine compliments about your appearance, achievements, or personality are often a sign of attraction.
Initiating Plans: If she suggests spending time together or invites you to events, it's a clear indication of interest.
Finding Reasons to be Around: If she goes out of her way to be in the same place as you or includes you in group activities, she likely enjoys your company.
If you sense there could be mutual attraction, then clearly and unmistakably communicate your interest in her. It should be unequivocal that you want to be more than friends. And make your move regardless of how scary or uncomfortable it is. Remember: you will be OK no matter what happens. So just go for it, even though you might be a little awkward at first or make mistakes.
The Win-Win Commitment
Blind attachment is that compelling instinct to make the relationship work at all costs, even if it’s not really worth it for one or both of you. Sure, blind attachment makes interesting storylines for movies and romance novels, because of all the drama it creates. But a self-respecting person isn’t interested in merely playing games.
Love is doing what’s best for both of you, regardless of whether it’s what you hoped for or not, and even when it’s hard. So if you really love her, and being together is NOT going to be a win-win, then let her go. And if you really value yourself, you won’t accept a situation of loving someone who doesn’t value what you have to offer.
At the same time, if you decide to take a break or go your separate ways, you can still keep the door open should something shift down the road. In other words, it’s not a rejection of the person, but a rejection of the situation or the behavior.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you never become attached to each other. It’s just that there must be a willingness to act independently of your own attachments for the benefit of everyone. Especially in the beginning of the relationship, it’s healthy to put your fantasies aside, and take the time to really get to know each other, and feel out your interpersonal dynamic as a potential couple. It’s called dating or courting. And it means that you consider serious questions like:
“Do we like each other?”
“Can we have interesting conversations?
“Do we have fun together?”
“Can we trust each other?”
“Do we want the same things in life?”
“Do we have enough shared values to be partners in life?”
Directness can be very helpful, especially if you have make-or-break requirements upfront, like needing your partner to want or not want children. At the same time, in this stage of the relationship, remember that it’s tempting to give the kind of answers you think the other person would like to hear. Even unconsciously, good people tend to suppress their own doubts and discomforts out of a hope to make things work out. After all, sometimes we have trouble getting clarity ourselves, so what to speak of each other. That’s why it takes time and observation to verify the answers you get to your questions. And if you respect yourself, then you will be patient enough to compare her words with her actions, give things time, and not rush into any commitment prematurely.
Commitment is a beautiful and powerful force. But when this gift is given prematurely to someone else, it can hurt you very, very badly. It will cause you to ignore red flags and accept the unacceptable. This can lead to consequences that impact the rest of your life. However, a commitment you can make from the very beginning is the Win-Win Commitment to do whatever is best for you and the other person. And if that Win-Win Commitment can grow into a marriage commitment, it’s the most beautiful thing you could possibly share with your partner.
It’s best to practice some self-control, and not let your sensual intimacy exceed your serious interest in the relationship. Sensual passion is a very strong force that can make you act in opposition to your own plans. And once you cross certain bases, it’s much harder to go back. But you still have the right to backtrack if you choose to, and take things as slow as you’re comfortable. You’re not obliged to sexually please anyone in a way you don’t want to.
This present moment is what matters, and you shouldn’t be sharing it with her if it doesn’t seem like something that could work out for you two. So even though you’re in the vetting process, be light-hearted, genuine, and have fun. One day you may look back and remember this period fondly together.
Mutual Respect
You deserve a relationship of mutual respect. It is your responsibility to find the person you can develop this with, and then set that tone from the beginning.
When you notice red-flags, or something that bothers you, then make sure it’s actually important to you, and if so, then talk about it. You value yourself, as well as her, and you have the confidence in yourself to not overlook these concerns. Of course, you still might feel nervous to have a potential conflict, but the choice is simple:
Address your concerns now at the risk of some unpleasantness up front, with the chance to develop a better relationship right away, and more chance it will work out long-term.
Ignore your concerns at the risk of more of the same disturbance, and more likelihood that it won’t work out long-term, even though you’re already emotionally invested.
This is a really important point. But a lot of people struggle with it. So I’ll say it again in another way:
It’s not OK for someone to treat you in a way you’d never treat them. You wouldn’t break your word unnecessarily. You wouldn’t stand her up after you scheduled a date or phone call. You wouldn’t lie or cheat on her. And you deserve the same respect you give her. If she does anything that warrants a concern, that you would never do to her, just bring up the conversation something like this:
“I want to have a healthy relationship, so I have expectations, like keeping one’s word, or least communicating an inability to follow through if something comes up. I notice that we agreed to meet at 5pm, but you didn’t show up until 6, and you didn’t answer my call at 5:20. When you did that, I felt disappointed. I’d like to know your thoughts about this.”
If you don’t have the willingness to talk about things that bother you, and even walk away from a potential partner (should the situation warrant it), then you're giving your power away in the relationship. This is a sign of desperation and low self-worth. If you’re too afraid to stand up for yourself now, then you’re going to accept more of the same mistreatment later down the line anyway. So be clear in your boundaries, especially in the beginning, and try to understand each other.
By having these conversations, it will reveal her character. Is the person she becomes during conflict the person you want to be with long-term? Does she become offended, manipulate you by withholding what you want, or shame you for having standards? These are all red-flags. If she can’t respect reasonable boundaries, then save yourself a lot of pain, and respectfully assert that as much as you like her, unless she can accept some reasonable boundaries, then this isn’t going to work out.
The door is open if she wants to acknowledge the problem at some point, and try to have a healthy relationship. And of course, you don’t expect perfection, just a visible effort. But flakiness, dishonesty, manipulation, and disrespect are all unacceptable.
Mutual Responsibility
A healthy relationship includes 200% responsibility. You are 100% responsible for the dynamics you create in relationship, and so is she. Often our behaviors are driven by subconscious conditioning – from our parents, past relationships, and experiences in the world. We all have faults and make mistakes. But these aren’t reasons in-and-of-themselves to break up. The deal-breaker is a continual unwillingness to become conscious of our underground patterns and grow beyond them. Relationships are meant for growth through responsibility. Your partner will be a mirror to see your own faults and blind-spots, and vice-versa. If you can develop trust in each other, and become better people together, then your love is deep enough to warrant commitment. That is the time to be unconditional in your love, share your feelings with attachment, and be unguarded. Love is ultimately based on commitment, respect, and growth.
Closing Wishes
The spirit of courtship should never end. A formal commitment doesn’t mean you get to be complacent and take her for granted. Keep doing what made the magic from the beginning. Keep investing in yourself out of self-love, and invest in her well-being the same way. It’s not just about YOU anymore, it’s about US. And the best time to make being together worthwhile is this very moment. Life is a series of lessons, a labor of love, and a leap of faith.
So go for it.
Coaching
Are you interested in help to practically integrate these ideas into your life? I offer personal coaching to provide the structure and support you need to make real changes.
I’d love to hear from you! What are your realizations or experiences with finding a partner? How was your experience applying the lessons in this article?